Retarculosity

Switching Gears-Starting P90x

2010-06-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

My sister's wedding was last Saturday. It was so beautiful. She looked amazing, the venue was elegant, the food was great...just generally perfect. I wore the dress I wanted and looked great too.

Now that I've accomplished my goal, I have been making excuses diet-wise. I've worked so hard to get here, I can't go back. No way, no how.

For me, I need to have a tangible, short term goal to keep me on track and motivated. After some late-night TV viewing, I decided to do P90x. You have to be totally committed and work out an hour a day, 6 days a week for 13 weeks.

A friend of mine loaned me the DVDs, so I'm all ready to go. Counting out the workouts on the calendar, I decided to make Saturday my rest day. That means I start this Sunday! It's going to be a big change for me. I'm going to get up early in the morning during the week to do the workouts before I go to work. On the yoga days, I'm going to my bikram studio. It'll be perfect.

To be honest, I watched a little of the first video and I'm a little intimidated. I understand how they can make their claims, the workouts look HARD. I'm willing to commit so no matter what, working out that much has got to make a big change.

My goal is to look super fantastically hot for my birthday in October. I'll keep you posted.

So Fun to Shop

2010-05-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

I know I've been remiss in my posts due to my addiction to facebook. I'm sure my friends are sick of my diet-related posts. I've struggled with my weight basically my whole life. I'm so excited because I finally got into the groove and have lost a bunch of weight. Since four years ago (at my heaviest), I've officially lost 100 pounds. For real.

That means I went from wearing a size 22W to an 8. Along the way, I've learned a lot about myself. I'm really proud of the emotional and mental changes as well as the physical ones. I feel better about myself in every way. People even treat me better. And more men drop off their documents in person.....subtle, guys.

Now I get to shop for new clothes. I actually got to tell a sales clerk yesterday that the medium was too big--can you bring me a small? She probably thought I was crazy when I got kind of teary right after I said it. In any case, I get to buy all sorts of cute clothes that I always dreamed of getting. What's even better, is that I look good too.

I owe so much to the people who loved and supported me the whole way. You know who you are. Big hugs and kisses! I'm not done yet but I feel like I've turned a corner and wanted to share.

Easter Baking Disaster

2010-04-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

I promised an update on the Easter baking...monstrously bad. I tried 3 things: eggnog bundt cake, petit fours and yeast rolls.

I have NEVER had a problem with the bundt cake before...I mean never. Well, I decided to use a new fancy pan-release spray instead of trusty Crisco and flour. Wouldn't you know it, it stuck..badly. So badly, I had to turn it into a trifle. Luckily, I had planned to serve it with macerated strawberries and real whipped cream so I just made three layers of each and called it a trifle. Whew.

Petit fours are my arch nemesis. For the life of me, I cannot get the glaze right. So, I found what looked like a promising recipe on Martha Stewart's website for the glaze. I made a genoise, put a layer of cherry preserves and was ready to go. I tinted the glaze too dark but otherwise it worked just fine. Then, came the taste. Waaaay too sweet. sigh. back to the drawing board. If anyone has a good petit four glaze recipe, please, please, please send it to me.

Here's what they looked like freshly glazed:

Final Product:

Looks good, tastes yucky. grrrr.

The yeast rolls looked promising but never rose. At the end, I had small, hard little dough balls. gross. I used a Martha Stewart recipe which I thought I followed exactly right. I am convinced it's the recipe. I still have a packet of yeast so I'm going to look up a new recipe and try again. I had to stop at the store after mass to get a can of Pillsbury crescents--which were yummy.

I usually have much better success baking, but I guess you can't win 'em all.

Easter Baking

2010-04-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

As you know, I have been on total diet lockdown for a while now so that I can look decent in my bridesmaid dress. The wedding is in June and I only have one dress size to go before I'm at my goal. For the record, my goal was to drop 10 dress sizes in 6 months--from an 18 to an 8. So far, I'm at 10 so I'm aaaaalmost there.

Keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm baking again. I love to bake for people and especially for holidays. I've decided to attempt my old nemesis petit fours, mini strawberry eclairs and yeast rolls. The genoise is cooling right now and smells like heaven. Now, on to piping buttercream flower decorations for the petit fours.

I'm hoping that I can keep the old jaw shut while I make the yummy, tempting treats. I just can't afford any back sliding after coming so far (and spending so much money).

Lately, I've been having trouble posting pictures, but if I can swing it, I'll try to post pictures of the results. If not, I'll keep you posted.

New Bridesmaid Dress

2010-03-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

After all the consternation about my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding, I found this dress that I like better.

Since I'm busty, I was worried that I may be fighting the strapless all night. I like that this one has sleeves...and even a little train.

The black lace/nude strapless will be delivered this week and this one will come next week. I'll try them both on and see which one I like better.

Hot Yoga

2010-03-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

I've been going to hot yoga classes for the past 3 weeks. The classes are 90 minutes long and are challenging but it's been great. You sweat a ton! If anyone is looking for a good place to go, this studio has a full schedule of classes from early until late. Bring towels and water...

Great Dress Debate

2010-02-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

My sister's wedding is coming up in June. I have the honor of being the maid of honor. She has been very kind and will let us wear any dress as long as it is floor length and black. I've fallen in love with this dress but it's black lace over nude fabric.

I've asked my sister for her thoughts and I'm hoping I get the nod. Cross your fingers.

Update: I went ahead and bought it. Let's hope it looks as great in person as it does on the website.

Best Hand Cream

2010-02-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

With the amount of papers I handle on a daily basis, I'm always looking for good hand cream. You know, super moisturizing but not too greasy. It's gross to leave greasy fingerprints all over my desk.

My friend H. recommended this hemp lotion from the Body Shop. I always have scratches and burns on my hands (because I'm a total klutz) and it even heals them. I can't recommend it highly enough. If you're looking for a hand cream, this is it!

Enjoy! If you find something better, let me know.

Please Take Me Back

2010-02-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I haven't posted anything for a long ass time. I admit it, it's true. I'm addicted to Mafia Wars on facebook and spending all my time there.

I keep seeing funny things all the time that make me want to blog but never got around to it. Well, I decided that I can't leave you and will try harder.

Please take me back, my pretties! I promise to try harder. See you soon...

New Favorite Sticker

2009-12-26T20:37:00.000-08:00

I saw this sticker today and thought it was hysterical. Feel free to plagiarize.

Oh my God!
Are you okay?
I saw the short bus
Flip over and I know
How you don’t like to wear
Your helmet because it’s
Hard to lick the
Windows :)

Kitty Hijinks

2009-08-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

Do you want to see the cutest picture ever? Feast your little eyes on our new friend Sophie. She drinks water out of the bathroom faucet by getting her paw wet and then licking her paw. All together now: aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Cooking JC's French Onion Soup

2009-07-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

I belong to a book club and this month was Julie & Julia to coincide with the movie coming out. I grew up watching Julia Child's cooking show on PBS. I always loved her shows, especially with that cutie-pie Jacques Pepin. She always made it seem like a super-complicated recipe was actually possible for a home cook.

I'd never made one of her recipes before, but I was inspired by the book. I'm a decent cook so I was determined to tackle one of her recipes. Since I'm finishing up the last of the strict phase of South Beach, I also selfishly wanted to have something that I knew I could eat. After some thought, I decided to make french onion soup. I could eat it without the bread and cheese topping and be satisfied. Awesome!

I had to stay late at work on Wednesday so I didn't get home until about 9:30. I sliced up 6 pounds of onions--think about it, it's 2 big bags from the store. Then, I set to carmelize them with a stick of butter and some olive oil. I stirred, stirred, and stirred but after an hour and a half I gave up. The onions were sweet and had broken down into small chunks but never got that beautiful brown color. My back ached the whole next day from stirring so much.

Then, I added the beef broth and simmered for a short while. Somewhat lacking carmelization, the soup wasn't as rich and beefy tasting as I wanted. Luckily, I dug in my refrigerator and found some beef demi glace. Between some lovely beaujalais and the demi glace, the broth was much improved.

While the soup was simmering, I shredded swiss cheese and prepared the bread rounds. Basically, you slice up french bread and toast with a little olive oil until all the moisture is removed.

At book club the next day, I reheated the soup, placed the toast round and shredded cheese on top and set in the oven to get all melty and yummy. It was a big hit.

Thanks to the book club for inspiring me to FINALLY have the courage to attempt one of JC's recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I was so bouyed by my success, my husband bought me the 2 volume set. I've been reviewing the volumes and have selected a few more recipes to try. Maybe you'll have to come over one night for some beef burgundy, orange bavarian cream, lobster gratin...the list goes on.

Souhaitez-moi la chance! (Wish me luck!)

Baby Stealing

2009-07-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my friends in the hospital today to see their new baby. The baby is so cute and snuggly. Normally, babies instantly squirm and cry when I hold them so I was prepared for the worst. I was as shocked as you are that the baby was totally cuddly and relaxed!

So I have a fantastic idea: instead of getting pregnant, going through labor (ouch) and risk having an ugly baby....why not steal one? Oh yeah, foolproof plan. Of course, my friends might recognize him so I'll have to come up with a cover story. Any ideas?

Walgreens Doesn't Sell Dirt, You Dummy

2009-07-13T10:56:00.000-07:00

I was at a Walgreens last Thursday afternoon with my co-worker. We were waiting in line to pay for stuff I can't even remember now but was vitally important at the time. This dude comes in, eyes the long line, and then walks directly up to the cashier.

Side Bar: like most urban Walgreens' cashiers, she looked less than pleased to be there. In fact, she looked like she was hungover or possibly still drunk--sort of like a meaner version of Droopy. So awesome.

Anyway, so our friend random dude tries to butter up the cashier by using her name and asking her where is the (here's what I hear) "potting mix". Mean Droopy asks if he means for alcohol mixers. He's frustrated and says that he's from the South and he drove all the way to this Walgreens (?) to find "potting mix". My co-worker then suggests that if he's looking for a mix of different kinds of candy. At this point, I'm sorely confused because I think he's asking for potting soil. So, I ask "Do you mean dirt?" To this, he shoots me a nasty side glance and complains that we are all comedians or something.

Then he more helpfully explains he's looking for pretzels, Chex mix, etc. Ahhhh, you're looking for "party mix" not "potting mix". Oops, sorry for making fun of the awesome Southern accent. I was wondering why he thought Walgreens sold dirt.

So Thirsty on South Beach

2009-07-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm on Day 6 of South Beach. I'm supposed to drink sugar-free, caffeine-free stuff. I'm also supposed to stay away from sugar alcohols so I have to stay away from diet pop. Hmmmm.

At this point, I am drinking water and iced SF, decaf tea. I'm getting kind of bored and majorly thirsty. Anyone have any good suggestions for me?

Twilight Movie Kinda Sucked

2009-07-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I try not to publicly identify myself as a twitard in public, but I have to admit that I really, really loved the books. Of course, my favorite was Midnight Sun (please, please finish it Stephenie).

Since I'm late to the party I wanted to wait to watch the movie until after I read the books so that it didn't spoil anything for me. So, last night my favoritest husband in the world surprised me with the movie in hand. YEAH!

As I was watching it, I just couldn't get over all the weird directing decisions and the changes from the book. I understand that a 500 page book needs to severely edited to make it into a regular length feature...but why would you add dialogue that doesn't exist in the book? Catherine Hardwicke was just trying too hard to give the movie an Indie vibe with the camera movements and music.

What really killed me was the casting: Nikki Reed as Rosalie? Ashley Greene as Alice? Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. Nikki Reed just isn't pretty enough and Ashley Greene's personality is right but doesn't come across as a tiny pixie.

Of course, like any good geek, I'm going to re-watch the movie to see if my opinion changes. I think now that I know where she decided to change things, I'll be able to calm down. Even my husband (who hasn't read the books) admitted that the trailer for New Moon looked better than Twilight. Hopefully, he's right! He usually is...

South Beach Continues--Day 5

2009-07-10T13:52:00.001-07:00

I'm on Day 5 of South Beach. It's still tough saying no to all my delicious carb-friends, but I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the week. I suspect that most of my problems are really from caffeine withdrawal.

I must say that the recipes in the South Beach book are awesome. It's much easier for me to stay on target if I can eat something that doesn't look or taste like diet food. Tonight I'm going to have grilled steak and vegetables. I'd eat that with or without South Beach so that's great.

Plus, I'm a total dummy and didn't notice that the "Foods to Enjoy" list goes onto the top of the next page..duh.. I can have some treats like sugar-free gum and sugar-free fudgsicles! That may not seem like much to you but it's the world to me.

Keep your fingers crossed for me people, I am almost at the halfway point of the hardest part--and I've already lost some weight! Yes!

South Beach Day One

2009-07-06T14:49:00.000-07:00

I've gained some weight lately and didn't want it to go any further....so...I had to make some decisions. I thought and thought with my little pea brain until I came to the conclusion that the diet that worked best for me was South Beach.

For those of you who haven't done South Beach, it's like a less-strict Atkins. You still have the 2 week cleanse phase but then you get to add in things like fruit, dairy and whole grains. Honestly, it's the stuff you know you should eat: lean meat, vegetables, fruit, whole grains, etc. (Etc. sadly does not include moose tracks ice cream with bittersweet chocolate sauce)

Anyway, it's Day One for me. I must say I feel like crap. I don't remember feeling this badly the last time I did this. I am hungry, tired and my head hurts. I also have awesomely bad breath because I can neither drink pop or chew gum. Gotta bring my toothbrush tomorrow. Of course, some well-meaning but very evil person brought in at least 3 types of homebaked goodies today for the whole office...that makes me want to punch that person in the face. This is how it would go:

Me: Hey, did you bake those yummy cookies in the break room?
Satan: Yes, did you like them?
Me: [punch]
Satan: Ow.

Wish me luck tomorrow. On a 1-10 pain scale, today has got to be a 7.

First Time on the Reservation

2009-06-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

There are lots of firsts in our lives. Today, I went down to the reservation of:

I bought some yummy ice cream treats. I have a receipt and everything to prove it but cannot get it to post. I'll do it later. It's so awesome, you'll love it!

Since I'm from Indiana, Indian reservations are few and far between (or try none)...so setting foot on one is a big deal. It's less than impressive in person, but then again, you folks know how little it takes to make me happy.

Happy Thursday (my Friday)!

Flying Bitch Slap

2009-06-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Somebody in your life needs one... Or is it you?

Another Reason Why Your Town Sucks

2009-06-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Does the General Lee drive down your streets? Didn't think so. It does here in Las Vegas. I bet the dude in the Viking helmet is driving it. Long live Vegas!

Shampoo v. Viking Helmet

2009-06-16T10:27:00.001-07:00

Dear federal government friends,

Let's get something straight. If I try to take 3.5 oz. of shampoo on the plane, I am a dirty freedom-hating terrorist, but your boy here can wear a Viking helmet for his awesome blowout weekend in Vegas? Okay, just checking.

Thanks for clearing that up,
Bethany

Finally, Some Good News

2009-06-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

So, I went to the fertility doctor for my initial consultation. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous. I just kept imagining in my head that the doctor would kindly shake his head and tell me it was no hope. Of course, my husband told me to calm down but I wasn't having it.

We went over my medical history and my tests/procedures to date. The bad news is that the doctor confirmed that something is definitely wrong with me. If not, I would have been pregnant looong ago. That's a little hard to hear out loud, but I had prepared myself to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that there's something wrong with you. I can't help myself from wondering what I did wrong.

Here's the good news, dear reader(s)...if the only problem I have is the blocked Fallopian tube, then that is a relatively easy obstacle to overcome! Yeah! The doctor said that my chances of getting pregnant are "very high." I got all teary eyed in the office when he said that. It's indescribably joyful to hear good news after years of bad news and disppointment.

The next step is to get about 1,000 invasive tests done to confirm that I only have the one issue going on. The other piece of good news is that it is possible for me to cram in all the testing in the next month so I should know the verdict very soon.

Here's my other next step--scheduling an emergency soda night. How 'bout it, ladies? Who wants to get black out drunk? I see all your raised hands, so call me.

I Love People

2009-06-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

You may be driving around, wondering to yourself...how can I fix up my car? Well, dear reader(s), I have the solution for you. It only takes about 15 minutes and a can of spray paint. Et Voila! I Love People! yee-haw.

Hirsute Means Hairy and other usefull information

2009-06-08T09:14:00.001-07:00

I was playing Cranium with friends on Saturday night. Tough to quell the killer competitive streak but I think I was at least reasonably behaved. Luckily, the girls team bested the boys team despite me royally messing up the next to last question (i.e. breaking the rules by saying a person's name).

Guess what I learned? "Hirsute" supposedly means hairy. The frustrating thing is that I have seen the word in print but could not, could not, could not remember the correct definition. I was convinced that it meant unusually quiet. So, word to the wise future Cranium players: hirsute means hairy. Got it? good.

Redecorating

2009-05-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

I've been dying to redecorate my bedroom for some time. The walls are sage green, my carpet is cream and my furniture is mahogany--pretty much a blank pallet. The biggest decision is the new bedding. Well, (drum roll please) we finally made a decision. We got this new duvet and shams:

It makes such a big difference in the room. We're still putting everything together but hopefully we will post pictures soon. Ciao for now!

Lady Lucite Returns

2009-05-18T20:52:00.000-07:00

I know you missed our friend Shauna Sand. Like you, I have been in desperate need of some ice pink lipstick and lucite heels. classy.

Precious Cargo

2009-05-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

In case you can't make it out clearly in the picture, the only cargo on that flat bed trailer is a case of Miller High Life. Come on folks, it's the champagne of beer! It definitely deserves its own trailer. right on.

Matching Mullets at Home Depot

2009-05-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

So much awesomeness in the photo, I'm not sure what to point out here. I definitely need to spend more time in the Home Depot. That's where the party's at!

Thanks for the awesome pic SDM!

Can't Ignore the Obvious

2009-05-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make. Some of you may not know that my husband and I have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for years. For the longest time, I was really embarassed and never mentioned anything to anyone. Over the last year, I have slowly opened up to other people and have found that some of my friends have faced some infertility issues of their own.

It's just tough facing facts: something is wrong. I have been slowly getting the tests I need, always hoping that the last test or hormone supplement will be the last. Unfortunately, nothing has worked. I've found out at this point that I have a blocked Fallopian tube--so at least I have a physical reason for my problems. Did you know that some couples don't have any physical problems but still can't get pregnant? It's caled "unexplained infertility."

Well, I took a deep breath and called an infertility specialist and made an appointment for June 5. I have to admit that it's been harder than I thought to admit to myself that I have a problem that won't resolve itself. I'm nervous and a little sad but trying to keep my spirits up.

To make matters worse, I found out that because my OB/GYN prescribed me Clomid, I am disqualified for about $2000 in testing at the infertility clinic. We're going to have to pay cash for everything, and believe me, it will add up fast. Luckily we have some savings which will hopefully take care of it.

It's been pretty tough for me to write this, but I am doing it in the hopes of helping some other girl out there realize that you're not alone. I have faith that everything will work out, but if I'm ever a little sad and don't want to talk about it, you'll know the reason why.

I think it will help me to write about my trials and tribulations so I hope you'll indulge me. Thanks reader(s), you're the best!

Winder Farms is Great

2009-05-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I blogged about signing up for home deliveries with Winder Farms. We got our first delivery this past Monday. Although they came at 1 am and woke my husband up (I slept through it thanks to 7 beers), we have been pleased with the products.

If you are a fan of milk or eggs, you must sign up. Some of you may not know that my mom's family are farmers. I spent every summer and vacation on my grandparents' farm (which was a dairy farm until I was in high school). We were totally spoiled with great fruit and vegetables from their huge garden and lots of beef and milk. This milk is so much better tasting than the milk in the grocery store. Even though it's 1% fat, it tastes more like fresh, whole milk. The eggs are bigger, rounder and have better shells than the ones in the grocery store too.

The minimum order is really low so you won't be stuck ordering a lot of stuff every week. You do have to get a cooler, but the products are really good and at decent proces. If you end up signing up, make sure you said that I referred you because I get $30 off. Get to work, people!

Are You Happy? Kite Runner will fix that.

2009-05-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

I was out sick from work yesterday with tummy troubles. sigh. By the afternoon, I was feeling better but still tired from the festivities. I decided to keep reading my latest book, Kite Runner.

It's a very well-written book but it's seriously a parade of gut-wrenching tragedies. It's the kind of book you can't put down because you are so drawn into the story but I felt awful the whole time I was reading it.

I usually read right before bed but I have to admit that a couple of the chapters gave me nightmares so I had to resort to reading it during the day on weekends. Trust me, if you start taking hormone supplements you will have extremely vivid dreams. What can I say? I'm a wuss.

Since the story takes place in large part in Afghanistan, it's an interesting look into an area that I have only seen in the news. It is well-written and morbidly entertaining. It has extremely good reviews so you guys are free to borrow my copy if you would like to read it.

I Finished Water for Elephants

2009-05-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

The first book for our book club is Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. The basic plot is that the narrator is a 90 year old man who has flashbacks of his time with a travelling circus in the 1930s. I have to say I enjoyed it.

I'm not always a fan of flashbacks in a book since it is often rough for the reader to get into the story and then be jerked around. Many of the flashbacks ripped you out of the story just when you felt like it was getting good--which is hella frustrating.

At the end it comes together nicely so I'll forgive all the time jumps. If you are looking for an easy summer read, I would recommend this book. It is a very fast read and easy to put down and pick up again.

I think I'm going to offer to host book club in July. My first inclination was to suggest Kite Runner, which I just started to read. I'm not very far into it, but it's gut wrenching and I want something a little more upbeat. It is very well written but I'm pretty much tramatized by the first 8 chapters.

So, I am going to suggest something a little more fun and Vegas-y: How to Make Love Like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson. She's a Vegas girl and I can definitely put together a fun book club party. Anybody else want to join the club?

I Love Beer

2009-05-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to fight my white trash heritage by drinking of-so-fancy mixed drinks and learning all about wine. You know what? I keep being dragged into the tractor beam that is the tastiness of beer. Oh, sweet beer, I love you.

Why did I ever try to resist? Unlike some people, I loooove the taste of alcohol. All of the other effects are just icing on the cake. I must confess, I love me some beer. Tequila, we'll always be friends. Red wine, you've helped me out in many a social occasion. I must say that my one true love is beer. Pale ale, belgian, microwbrew, I love you! Just give me that frosty bottle.

I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest. Does anyone have a favorite beverage or snack food that they hide from the world? I need to know. I'm tipping my Blue Moon to you right now. Cheers!

Pimples Go Away!

2009-04-29T22:57:00.000-07:00

My buddy Perez Hilton and I have two things in common:
1. Love of all things gossip-related
2. Pimples!

Seriously, is there a point in your life when you stop getting pimples? I'm in my thirties and I am in a battle to the death for my little face. I broke down and bought some Proactiv, which normally does the trick, but it just can't cope with the onslaught. I also went to Sephora and got some on the spot sulphur treatment which is more or less helpful.

I need your help, faithful reader(s). What is your go-to weapon in the pimple war? I need to figure this out. Help, please?

Face It, Your Mom Hates You

2009-04-25T21:06:00.001-07:00

If you're like me, you constantly wonder what Beyonce is thinking when she lets her Mom dress her. It's so obvious when she wears regular designer clothes and the shi-tastic designs of her mother.

Here's the latest example from her latest movie premiere:

Down on the Farm

2009-04-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today I signed up for home delivery from a farm in Utah called Winder Farms. It's pretty easy and the prices are comparable to organic produce in the regular grocery store. The best part is that they promise delivery by 8 am. Hopefully we like it because you have to pay a $25 fee if you stop the service before 24 deliveries.

The only down side is that you have to buy a cooler for your deliveries which is kind of expensive. The cost of the cooler was the lion's share of the first order.

I've heard good things about their products so I hope it works out.

Miss USA Pageant Needs Me!

2009-04-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

So, I am faithfully watching the Miss USA Pageant like I do every year. That's right, folks. If you ever wondered who watches pageants--it's me!

When else are you required to judge and mock dumb girls?? How do people NOT love pageants? From the bad walking (sometimes a trip), dumb dumb dumb answers, hard melons and trashtastic gowns from Kohls or something--it's grrrr-eat.

The judges actually asked them political questions this year. They all choked hard core. Some of them didn't have very good poker faces so the panic showed on their faces. You haven't heard such nonsense since last year.

The bottom line is that they need me, desperately. I'm talking to you, my cross-eyed, ill-fitting gown, stomp like a cow, Miss Indiana. I can round up some gays and get there in a jiffy. (Although NJ was definitely more beat down looking) Just ask me, you need me. Trust.

Now for the big moment...your 2009 Miss USA is....

Miss North Carolina (For the record, I guessed right.)

You Let Me Down, Boob Streak is Over

2009-04-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

Thursday had plenty of boob action, but today I just stayed home and cleaned my house. So sadly, the boob streak is a thing of the past...sigh...

We'll always have our memories.

Boobalicious

2009-04-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

You know, even when you have a professional job, dudes are always checking out your rack. Some are more sly than others, but some are just plain creepy.

We're all familiar with the handshake/stare directly at the boobs, but there are all sorts of other rack-attention give-aways:

1. Full up and down stare while lingering in certain areas (gag)
2. Lingering glance
3. Sneak a peek while my attention is focused somewhere else
(lots of others but for sake of blog space, let's cut to my current fave)
4. Stare while making a tacky comment.

For me, most of these comments come from the homeless dudes huffing paint at the bus stop but for the past 2 days 2 of my clients have said some super duper creepy things:

(Monday) While describing a female co-worker to me, a nerdy co-worker said that she was "well endowed, just like you..." yikes

(Tues) After asking why I didn't bring back a switchblade from Italy, another Creepy McCreepster told me it would be no problem to sneak it back in my bra since "you have plenty of room in there" (with hand gestures) eeeew

Today is Wednesday, people. Which one of you is going to step up a make a comment? I'm depending on you! Creep me out if you can...

Update: During a public hearing Wed. night I was on the receiving end of "accidental" boob contact by not 1 but 2 creepies. The streak is alive! Watch out DiMaggio, I'm coming for you!

Book Club Suggestions

2009-04-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am super excited. I joined a book club. The first book we are reading is Water for Elephants, which looks great. Of course, growing up in Indiana I've seen plenty of carnies up close so it might bring back some memories.

Here's my dilemma: at some point, I will have to choose a book. I was thinking about choosing The Kite Runner since it looks really interesting. If you folk out in blog land have any suggestions, I sure would appreciate them. I think all of the book club members are female, if that helps.

Thanks for your help, peoples.

Please Come Back

2009-04-11T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have been slowly getting back into the groove of things after my awesome vacation. We ended up going to Paris, Venice, Florence, Siena, Rome, Naples, Pompeii and the Vatican. So many great places, it's difficult to pick a few highlights.

Our favorite place was Paris. I've always had a secret desire to move there which my husband now shares. It's beautiful, the food is great and the people are great. The Metro is clean, fast and goes everywhere. If I ever get the chance, I'm going.

If I had to rank the cities as to my favorites, I'd say:
1. Paris
2. Vatican
3. Rome
4. Venice
5. Pompeii
6. Florence
...
50. Naples

Naples had great pizza but that's about it. A friend of mine told me before I left that she found Naples to be dirty and scary. Check and check. It's also super-intense so if you are tired and stressed out it is the last place you want to be.

The Vatican was so great. We had great seats for our papal audience and the Pope waved at us when he went by. We have some great pictures. We went to all of the major basilicas shich were jaw-dropping, simply amazing. They are the closest places to heaven on Earth. The Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel are unreal.

I think that we loved Paris and Rome so much because they were big cities so they had great amenities. Plus, you just felt like you were a temporary citizen instead of one of a great glob of tourists. When public transportation, fantastic sites and great food is everywhere, it's pretty hard not to enjoy yourself.

We're still getting our pictures together. We have sooo many that we are editing them down to a manageable number. Once they're finished, I'll e-mail out an album or something. Let me know if you are interested. As a warning, it will probably be loooong. Maybe I'll have a picture night at my house or something. Let me know if you peeps are interested.

Glad to be back, ya'll. Thanks so much for the warm wishes. It will be a while before we go anywhere else.

Ciao People!

2009-03-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in Rome in the laundry mat. I have 3 minutes to write something witty before my Internet time runs out. Okay, no time for witty.

We've been to Paris, Venice, Florence and Siena. All magical and wonderful. We have plenty of pictures and will send out as soon as we get home. We're getting back on Saturday night. I'm sure we'll be mighty tired as we have been walking and walking and walking every day. My legs are solid as David's by now.

I love you all but I've got to go. We'll talk soon. Take care!

Shout out to my awesome sister who hooked us up with Mon. Blum, the sweetest and cutest old dude in France. He is single...sorry, bad joke.

CIAO!

Long Road Ahead

2009-03-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Bethany,

You're not allowed to go on vacation ever again. It's just too hard on those you leave behind. We're all missing you bad right now.

Heather saw a tranny walking down the street the other day and wanted to call you to talk about the tranny's weave-braid, but, alas... she had to call me. I tried my best to mimic your wonder and excitement, but I know it wasn't the same. Poor Heather...

Erica came into town last night. She asked about you like 5 separate times, hoping she had the dates for your trip mixed up and that you would somehow be here during her 4-day visit. She's very sad she won't get to see you.

I thought about you this morning as I dipped my teabag into my water. So many happy teabag memories. ((sigh))

Braid

2009-03-18T16:36:00.001-07:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

2009-03-18T16:33:00.001-07:00

For Claudia.

Farewell My Concubine

2009-03-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, I am getting ready for my vacation in France and Italy. I really wish someone would pack for me, though. I'm learning how to send mobile updates to my blog. So far I can get the text to work but not pictures. We'll see what we can do. Otherwise, you'll have to suck it up and deal with it, dear reader(s).

Ahh, Memories

2009-03-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Natalie Dee.

Walking in Those Shoes Takes Serious Skill

2009-03-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not that tall so I love me some heels. I pretty much wear them every day--the higher, the better. Sometimes when I'm walking it feels like someone is actually stabbing me in the ball of my foot. I just keep on walking.

Well, I must admit that I've never put on 12+ inch platform heels. I have a feeling that my ankles would immediately snap in half in protest. Your buddy Shauna Sand is wearing some serious fetish heels. I wish I had a picture of her walking. Everything about this pictures says CLASS. enjoy.

Trying to Figure It Out

2009-03-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, I'm trying to figure out how to do mobile blogging. I leave for my vacation on Thursday and wanted to rub it all in instantaneously...

Alas, I'm a techno-dummy so I'm having trouble figuring it out. I'll keep going but if I don't figure it out, you can post threats and insults for 2 weeks.

Seriously, if any of you would like to be guest bloggers while I'm gone, I'll let you do it. Just let me know.

Finished My Itinerary

2009-03-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

I think I finally finished my vacation itinerary. I've narrowed it down to 8 pages. At this point, I go back and forth between excitement to anxiety to get all the last minute errands done.

If any of you want to see the itinerary, just send me and e-mail.

Whipped Cream Sandwiches

2009-03-07T20:26:00.002-08:00

You may think that there is no way that restaurants would make and sell whipped cream sandwiches, but you'd be dead wrong. If you are looking for a bagel sort of thing piled high with whipped cream and strawberries, head on down to Jerry's Nugget.

Jerry's is the kind of place where you can waddle in rocking a polyester outfit, wheel your oxygen tank up to the slot machine, light up a ciggie and wile away an afternoon. classy.

Here's a picture of the whipped cream delight. Don't worry, they serve them every single day...

Your Boyfriend's Got Some Sweet Moves

2009-03-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

I work in a not-so-great downtown area. The City is trying to turn things around, but in the meantime, there is a constant parade of crazies (literally) walking by my office.

While I was at work, I looked out the window and I noticed one of our faves Ricky walking down the street yelling to himself and practicing his sweet marshall arts moves. Ricky is the character who climbed a two-story cage constructed around our back staircase to keep people like him out. He's also the dude who was arrested while punching himself in the head in the El Pollo Loco drivethrough. awesome.

I tried to snap pictures in mid-movement, but this is the best I could get. Enjoy.

Make it a Double

2009-03-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I am leaving for vacation in about 2 weeks. I need to finish up some stuff at work so I decided to stay late tonight. Guess what I also did today?

1. Wore not so comfortable heels.
2. Wore not so comfortable glasses.
3. Gave a double dose of blood.

Seriously, I couldn't have done anything more to make it harder on myself. I'm so tired but wound up since I just got home and have a hearing first thing in the morning.

PS I did get my stuff done because I'm one tough cookie. boo ya.

Lazy Sunday

2009-03-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

I know I've whined about my continual struggle to clean the house on Sunday. I get all day to do it, but I just can't quite ease myself off the couch to start. Once I get going, I get in the groove and my obsessive/compulsive overachiever self takes over and I finish it.

It's just so nice and comfy on my couch catching up on all the trashy VH1 shows I like: Tool Academy (finale coming up), For the Love of Ray J and I Love Money. You want to talk about some desperate people, geez. I want to shake some of those girls. Get a hold of yourself! These d-bags are not worth your dignity...but then again, what else would I watch on VH1? I'm totally over the countdown shoes.

Okay, let's promise that the couch patrol ends in 15 minutes! That gives me 4 hours to clean everything. ready..set..go!

Seriously, Beyonce, Put Those Nips Away

2009-02-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

I finally sat down and watched the Oscars on my DVR last night. Hugh Jackman is so cute. I love him!

I have always been a fan of musical numbers during the Oscars so I was geeked to see them making a comeback. The biggest bummer was your buddy Beyone who obviously lip-synched through her performance even though Hugh Jackman, the kids from Mamma Mia and Zac and Vanessa from high school musical all sang live. Um, Beyonce--aren't you the only one in the group who is professional singer?

For her, the highlight of the entire performance had to be her tiny nipple slip. You'll have to really look to see it. If you want to see a bigger version of the picture, click here.

This is Your Future, Skanks

2009-02-25T10:15:00.003-08:00

If any of you skanks out there look at my husband sideways, this is what you will get:

To quote one of my sorority sisters: "Sometimes bricks fly through windows. It happens."

Just try it, skank.

Relax: Vacations are NOT Supposed to be Stressful

2009-02-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

I'm busy planning our fantastic vacation to France and Italy. My problem is that I am an over-planner. I want everything to go perfectly. I can feel myself slipping into nervousness because I want it to be great. My problem is that if I don't calm down I will focus on the small glitches rather than the whole experience.

Here's my new dilemma--how much do I actually need to pack? I want to pack light but not be without anything.

So far, you guys have been great with suggestions. I've plugged in restaurants and little itinerary changes to make the best of our time.

Help me focus on the good and not be so anxious that I ruin everything. Cross your fingers, people!

Hooray for Hollywood: the Oscars

2009-02-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

I realized that my previous post was getting hella-long so I started a new one. Don't worry, it won't be any nicer.

Jennifer Aniston just presented with Jack Black. She looks the same--all-American surfer girl. yawn. The funny thing is that while she's talking, the camera switches to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (twice). poor thing. Even the Oscars camera crew won't let her escape.

[small break--gottaa go to mass--will continue soon)

Oscar Critiques: Let the Games Begin

2009-02-22T16:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry, folks. I was out and about so I missed the first hour of arrivals. I will go back and fill in later. Here are the highlights from my mind re: Oscar arrivals.
If you want pictures, you can go here to the E site.

Taraji P. Henson--beautiful diamaond necklace and ring but why oh why did she lift up her dress to show Seacrest both her ankle tattoo and spanks? yikes.

Amy Adams and Heidi Klum are both wearing red. Amy Adams is wearing a killer beaded necklace. Heidi is wearing Roland Mouret and so it is structured but I'm not that impressed. Heidi does have some great chandelier earrings but awful, chunky bangles. Yes, I said bangles. This round does to Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera.

I say a flash of Marisa Tomei. Fortunately, she doesn't look completely tragic. Her makeup and hair are pretty. I need to see more of the gown to form an opinion.

Update: the dress has allll sorts of pleats and folds on it (Versace). not my fave. Definitely a case of the dress wearing the person. overwhelming details.

Amanda Seyfried (daughter in Big Love/Mamma Mia) is also wearing red. Her dress has a big bow at the waist. I'm normally a sucker for bows but not this one.

Mickey Rourke alert--he's wearing a tight-ass white Gaultier tux. he's so gross

Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing a big fru-fru ballerina-type huge ballgown. It's very girly and a different silhouette then what we normally see on the red carpet. Dior Couture? yep. It's a very light green. She looks great.

My favorite so far: Freida Pinto. She looks amazing in a royal blue John Galliano. Ladies, this is how you do it. Galliano is definitely my favorite gay pirate. aaargh

Ann Hathaway is wearing a glittery white column gown. She is also wearing a diamond brooch in her hair. Her makeup and hair people have done their best to make her look less-alienlike. On second glance, the bottom of the skirt is actually covered by layers of paillettes (think very large sequins). Verdict: love it!

Update: it's Armani Prive. I'm honestly surprised. Where's the Valentino??

Melissa George looks like she forgot her dress. She is wearing a corset gown that looks like a girdle with a skirt attached. not cute

Commercial break. My friend Anna is having an Oscars party featuring mini-pigs-in-a-blanket. I can't keep my mind off pigs-in-a-blanket...yummy... I got my self a bowl of ice cream with better-than-sex caramel syrup. I'm fixed now. sugar coma...

Sophia Loren is there! I love her. Her makeup is troweled on but she can do no wrong in my book. Her rack looks great. rarr!

Beyonce is wearing her usual mermaid, form-fitting dress. It has gold embroidered roses on it. hmmm Her makeup is weird though. She looks like she played up her eyebrows. eeew

Meryl Streep actually looks good. She normally wears things that make her look thick and flat-chested. She's wearing a draped gray gown and a soft updo. nice

Update: the waist of the gown is weird. It's as if the designer was trying too hard to cover her slight tummy.

Queen Latifah is wearing a mermaid dress. As a bigger girl, I always appreciate her. I want to like her, I really do, but I just don't love it.

Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are being interviewed by dumbass Seacrest. Diane's hair is softer and she's wearing vintage jewelry. I can't see her dress really well though. As soon as I do, I'll give you my opinion--my pretties.

Update: gooorgeous absolutely gorgeous detail on a black mermaid gown. love her

Jessica Biel is on the phone. She must be yelling at the blind dude who did her hair. Disheveled is nice, hot mess is not. It doesn't get better with the dress. She has a great body but she's wearing a too-short, unflattering ivory dress with black velvet pumps. Seriously not cute.

Evan Rachel Wood still has her red hair. She looks great. She should definitely keep her stylist since she has looked like a million bucks this awards season.

Marion Cotillard is wearing a sequined gown with a full tulle skirt. She always goes for it. I definitely like this dress better than last yeat's boob scales.

We're halfway done my peeps. Overall, I notice that ladies are wearing red or pale, muted colors inspired by the 2009 spring collections. Verdict to this point: Freida Pinto is my favorite and Jessica Biel looks like shit.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arrived. Angelina is wearing a black, sweetheart neck gown. It's fitted, guys! She's also wearing emerald drop earrings. beautiful

Update: they totally snubbed Seacrest. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA love that

Penelope Cruz is wearing an a-ma-zing diamond necklace. whew. She is wearing a really interesting, brocade and chiffon big fluffy gown. This is how you do details on the dress without it overwhelming you (ahem, Marisa Tomei).

Update: 1940s Balmain. There's nothing like vintage done right.

Oh, Kate Winslet, what the hell are you wearing? asymmetric strap making her boobs look like they are different heights, sheer fabric on the back and hips...boo! hiss!

Tilda Swinton, my friend, you are a mess. tranny-fied mess. hate it, abhor it, gross.

Alicia Keys is wearing a pink draped number. I like it except for the weird piece of chiffon coming out of her nipple. don't get that.

Okay, let's switch over to ABC. They have Tim Gunn!! I LOVE him.

Oh no, it's Kate Winslet again. Love her, hate the dress. It's Yves St. Laurent too. I should have guessed with the satin. I like her last black YSL gown much better. Some of you out there might like it, but you're wrong.

Oh no, Miley Cyrus is a bedazzled mess. I'll cut her a little slack because she's a teenage from Appalachia where more is more. Not good for a tranny, then not good for you sweetcheeks. It looks like it's made of weirdly shaped flower petals. Just say NOOOOOOO to Cinderella on acid.

Zac Efron is wearing slightly less makeup than his date Vanessa Hudgens. I'm not sure I like her dress either.

Viola Davis looks great. She's wearing a gold Marilyn Monroe-like pleated gown. She's wearing incredible diamond bracelets. love it.

Sidebar: love me some Tim Gunn. Here's what he said to Marisa Tomei: "Mickey Rourke has said that he loves to see you with your clothes off. Well, I for one love to see you with your clothes on." Oh Tim, that's because Mickey is creepy and desperate and you are super-gay. Love you, please be my best friend!

The show is starting so our time is coming to a close. I will add updates if I see anyone richly deserving of some remarks. Let's do this next year!

Goddess of the evening:

Trash bucket who should have stayed home:

Jessica Biel! If it tells you anything, I cannot for the life of me find a picture that I can post... Look what happens when you look like crap.

Honorable Skank-mention:

Update: Tina Fey is on stage right now and she looks abso-freakin-lutely fantabulous. At first, I didn't recognize her. She is not wearing black!

Oscar Dress Countdown

2009-02-22T10:58:00.000-08:00

I am seriously looking forward to the red carpet tonight. I may have to leave at the end of the pre-show (bummer) but everything will be recorded. I think this year I am going to try to blog my comments live. So, if any of you would like to participate by leaving comments, together we can criticize live! AWESOME.

See you in a few hours. Go sharpen your claws.

Seeking Vacation Suggestions

2009-02-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

My hubby and I are going on a fabulous tour of France and Italy in about a month. If any of you skanks have any suggestions on restaurants or not-to-miss sights in Paris, Venice, Florence or Rome--let me know. Thanks, y'all.

Starting to Love the Dead Presidents

2009-02-15T21:00:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I luv my job is that we get all the government holidays off. Guess what tomorrow is ladies and germs? No, not Flag Day. It's President's Day!

I'm planning on doing just what Mr. Lincoln would want me to do: get a mani/pedi. Oh yeah, Viva la Revolution!

Lost in Translation

2009-02-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

Umm...well..I hope you people don't get the wrong idea, ya pervs.

Viva Las Vegas! The home of the best Mow & Blow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T14:42:00.001-08:00

I wish you all retarculous amounts of love and happiness this Valentine's Day!

Love you guys!

Prettier Than Us

2009-02-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

As you know, I am a fan of...well...let's say..trashy TV. In my hunt for the most mindnumbing, cotton candy entertainment of the week, I flip through the channels quite a bit. Guess what I found, people? A new TV obsession: RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh yeah, THAT RuPaul.

It follows a competition between 9 fabulous drag queens to be the next superstar drag queen. Let me tell you, honey, some of those ladies are very pretty. They are clearly professionals. They have baby soft skin, great bodies and have some fierce makeup skills. fierce

Maybe they should have a show where nerdy girls are madeup by drag queens and lip synch RuPaul songs. Girl, you better work!

Gun Show

2009-02-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

So I made my triumphant return to the the gym after almost dying and what-not the past week or so. I still can't reliably breathe through my nose so I decided not to become a human concertina on a cardio machine. weez. cough. weez.

I lifted weights to try to get some strength back. Overall, I feel good about it. For those of you Vegas people, I went to the new Molasky 24 Hour Fitness and really liked it. They just extended their hours until 11 pm Mon-Sat. I think I'm going to make it my new gym since it's conveniently on my way home from work.

Score One for the Nerdy Girls

2009-02-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Do you remember Lisa Loeb's reality show #1 Single where she was looking for a nice Jewish boy to marry? As a little nerdball myself, I always hoped she would find a decent guy. Episode after episode we were disappointed...sigh.

It took a few years, but our wishes have come true. Lisa got married to Roey Hershkovitz--the music supervisor from the Conan O'Brien show. If you want to read more about it, click here. Maybe he'll Stay. har har har

Madonna + Jesus Sitting in a Tree

2009-02-02T21:31:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else slightly disturbed that Madonna is seeing a Brazilian guy named Jesus? Um, okay.

Then, I found a picture of him...

A-ha! I got it. Play on.

What? No Flowers? Being Almost Dead Sucks

2009-02-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that there has been a lapses in my posts. I've been clinging to life with some sort of avian bird flu/Piven mercury poisoning for the past week. I even stayed home from work on Thursday and was almost silent for the whole weekend. As you know, it takes a whole lot of germies to get me to that state!

I was shocked to find out that as I lay in bed hacking up phelgm alongside my sickie husband, that one does not get presents when you are almost-dead. Shouldn't we send flowers for the almost-dead? Let's shake on it. Next time, you better come through, people. If not...okay, nothing will happen, but I like flowers, okay?

So if you are wondering what helped me make my miraculous recovery, I will show you my secret to health and happiness:

Seriously, what is there not to like about Devastatin' Dave, Turntable Slave? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Perfect in every way.

If you start feeling sick, just click your heels and repeat: ZIP ZAP RAP!

Return of Lady Hector

2009-01-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

I used to go to the gym more regularly but I've been missing for a variety of reasons. Do you remember all the infamous stories about one of the other regulars at the gym who was always dressed like a tranny clown? I certainly have fond memories.

Well, I am happy to report that my friend and roving gym reporter Cladeedah snapped a few pictures of the hotness known as Lady Hector. You should be able to pick her out for her pink bandanna and black tights. She's pretty conservatively dressed, but you can tell by her can-do spirit that it's the real Lady Hector.

Sooooo Tired

2009-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, which of you fed me some sleepy time pills when I wasn't looking? I have so much to do and plan for our upcoming Europe vacation. My problem is that I have no energy. The problem is that I have been sleepy for a few days now.

Holy Beyonce Nipples, Inaugural Fashion Goes Awry

2009-01-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

Like many of you, I have been looking forward today for some time. Sweet regime change at last! With such a dashing new couple in the White House and the support of so many celebrities, I was looking forward to all the great fashion.

Retarculous nation, we were let down. I am begging some gay dudes to fly to Washington straighten this mess out.

Imagine, you literally have your pick of any designer on the planet to make custom outfits for you. You can pick absolutely anything, so you go with:

1. A dress and matching coat made out of your Grandma's old couch. I appreciate the attempt to use a cheerful color, but it is not flattering for such a pretty lady:

2. A busted wedding gown with sparkly-scrunchy flowers. sigh.

As the New York Times described it: "For Tuesday night’s round of balls, she chose a fluffy, many-layered gown by a 26-year-old designer named Jason Wu. The dress had a one-shoulder strap and was flecked with organza flowers and crystals."

When have the adjectives "fluffy" "many-layered" "flecked with organza flowers and crystals" ever been used to describe a beautiful dress? Um, never.

Here's what kills me. She has worn some great outfits to other inaugural events, like these gems:

Unfortunately, inauguration fever is spreading. Beyonce was elected to sing "At Last" as the first dance song with a completely see-through top. Oh yeah, the headlights were on. I couldn't find a picture, but here's a video. See also picture #14 in this slideshow.

By the way, did anyone tell the Neighborhood Ball organizers that Etta James is still alive? Why couldn't she sing her own damn song? You probably could have convinced her to do it in a see-through top too. hot.

Hopefully this situation will resolve itself. By that, I mean Michelle Obama, not Beyonce. She's hopeless. retarculous.

Vote for Mitch Hedberg

2009-01-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

In case you don't know him, Mitch Hedberg is a really witty comedian who tragically passed away in 2005 from sudden heart failure. I've seen his Comedy Central special and it's hilarious.

Comedy Central is having a voting contest amongst their more popular comedians so they will show the top 20 vote-getters specials on January 25. Go and vote here. You can only vote once a day but you can vote every day.

I'm counting on you to vote for Mitch. You won't be disappointed.

Guess the Actor

2009-01-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

The first person to guess who this actor is gets a prize. On your mark, get set, GO!

To give you a hint, this Oscar-nominated actor hosted a party at Lavo in the Palazzo casino in Las Vegas last night. Yes folks, he was paid to show up and he came in that. yikes.

Keeping My Mouth Closed

2009-01-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

I have been home this weekend relaxing and playing Guitar Hero with my hubby. All in all, a very fun weekend so far. He's at work, I'm alone......
Houston, we have a problem. I cannot stop eating. I mean, can-not stop. In my heart, I want to be better but my tummy is another story entirely.

What strategies do you people have to avoid pigging out and staying on target? I apprecite any tips you have.

Beautiful Daydream

2009-01-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

Addicted to Toffee

2009-01-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

My husband works at Williams Sonoma and he brings home treats from time to time. One of the most delicious treats is the toffee. I'm totally addicted. Every day I aim to eat better and get back on track with counting points...then I see the toffee.

The culprit is the milk chocolate almond toffee from Elaine's Toffee Company. I'm not usually a milk chocolate fan but it's perfect with the toffee. The toffee is nice and thick with just the right amount of chocolate. deee-licious.

I Love/Hate Katherine Heigl

2009-01-11T15:24:00.000-08:00

So, I took yet another cleaning break to play the new game on E's website so that you can pick the best dressed from the 2008 red carpet. No need to try any further, here's your answer:

Katherine Heigl at the 2008 Academy Awards. She's so perfect, I hate her. She's wearing Escada here, which is one of my personal faves. sigh.

Confessions of a Teen Idol is Suprisingly Entertaining

2009-01-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for another schadenfreude experience, I recommend Confessions of a Teel Idol (also on VH1). It stars Christopher Atkins (Blue Lagoon), Jeremy Jackson (Baywatch), Adrian Zmed (TJ Hooker) and Jamie Walters (90210) among others of their ilk.

They have been dragged by Scott Baio on the show to go through a sort of makeover to get them back into acting. They put them through all sorts of humiliating tasks to bring them back down to Earth to let them know they are starting from the very bottom.

Without the relationship drama of Tool Academy, I like this show. You should definitely tune in.

Tool Academy: I Prefer Skanks

2009-01-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'm watching the first episode of Tool Academy. To be honest, I'm not enjoying it as much as I thought I would. The guys are super-annoying and funny. The problem is that their girlfriend's bother me.

What self-respecting girl would stay with someone who did half of the crap these guys are doing? Oh right, the girls have problems too. It's a cringeworthy examination of dysfunctional relationships.

Rock of Love Tour Bus is more fun to watch because you get to watch cringeworthy skanky times but you don't have to watch relationship problems. I'm not sure how else to explain it. You'll have to watch both and let me know if you agree.

Make Me Want It

2009-01-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

Luckily, I don't have children. Otherwise, they'd be taken away due to the filthiness of my house. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration but it's definitely cluttered and dirty.

Since I have 3 day weekends, I really have no excuse for it to look the way it does. My problem is I haaate to clean and easily get overwhelmed. I just don't know where to start.

I've made some progress today but I still have a long way to go. I just wish that I could acutally want to do it. It would make it a lot easier. Make me want it, Lord.

These Will Solve All Your Problems

2009-01-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

Let's face it people, sometimes pants are a drag. What if your legs are cold but your butt is hot? Finally there is a solution to the hot butt problem:

I hope to see you all at the mall in butt-less pants in the very near future. Hop to it!

I Shouldn't Enjoy This So Much, But I Do, I Really, Really Do

2009-01-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

In case you forgot to buy me a Christmas present, it's still not too late. My friend has a sinfully great calendar featuring hot priests. no joke.

I found some of the pictures on this website. Enjoy and then join me in confession. It's called impure thoughts, people.

Click on the picture to see a couple more photos.

Skanks on a Bus--Your New Favorite Show

2009-01-05T22:16:00.001-08:00

I am re-enjoying the first episode of the latest and greatest genius creation on VH1, Rock of Love Bus Tour. Oooooh yeah.

You may have caught episodes of the previous 2 seasons featuring Bret Michaels and a bevy of dirty whores competing for his attention. The girls are so unabashedly skanky they do all sorts of rank stuff--things lesser gals never even consider.

Well, this year VH1 decided to change the formula and put the ladies on a bus that follows our friend Bret at his shows. During the first show (and before they even meet him), they join him on stage where several of them hump each other and make out. awesome. In general, they get drunk and let the drama evolve. again, awesome.

Unfortunately, my favorite hot tranny mess already got the axe: Nikki/DJ Lady Tribe. This chick was so drunk that she actually took a shot from one of the other girls' gentle parts. Seriously. I am not making it up. It's toward the end of the video. Watch it all the way through. It's totally worth it.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

Enjoy the hotness and tune in every Sunday night for the next few weeks.

Retarculous New Year

2009-01-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

In my cold-induced haze, I neglected to wish my reader(s) proper new year wishes!
So here goes...

May your new year be filled with glamour, intrigue and plenty of retarculosity.

Here is your example to expire to:

Get to it, people.

Taste of Chicago

2009-01-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Being back in Chicagoland, my husband and I were reminded how awesome Chicago food is. There's nothing like Chicago-style deep dish pizza, Garrett's popcorn, the wreck from Potbelly's, and italian beef. I've just never found anything approaching that yumminess out here in Las Vegas.

Here's where you people come in. I need need need the recipe for Italian beef and the secret for making deep dish pizza. Help, please! How else am I going to keep the extra 15 pounds I gained in November and December??

Halfway Back

2009-01-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

I'm back from my Chicagoland vacation. I got in last night at 10--about 4 hours late. I would like to thank our friends at United who were so slow updating their website for the delay that I got to spend all 4 of those hours in crowded O'Hare. Most of that time next to the gate for a similarly delayed flight to Orlando.

In case you have not had the privilege of being next to a gate for an Orlando flight, just stop and think for a second. Who goes to Orlando? Families. Specifically, families with tired and grumpy children who like to cry and throw tantrums. Imagine a whoooole lot of tantrum kids and you can just imagine.

The worst part is that I'm battling a cold too. My ears have not cleared yet and I'm brewing 2 nasty ear infections. I've had so many ear infections in my life, I can pretty much tell...

Anyway, I love you all but you'll have to forgive me if I'm not all the way back yet. Hope your New Year's celebration was drinky-drinky filled fun.

Farewell My Concubine

2008-12-23T22:44:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed that I have not bee blogging. Fair readers, I hope you did not end it all in your despair. I have been busy with all sorts of Christmas activities-shopping, baking, going to parties. Oh yeah, it's that glamorous.

Unfortunately, the blog posts will be a little further delayed. I'm having some technical difficults transferring some super hot pictures from my camera phone to the blog. Plus, I am flying to Chicago at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow. I doubt I'll be able to get to a computer long enough to post...so even if it's a little early:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We'll have plenty of hot, egregious, retarculous fun in 2009. Adios!

RIP Bettie Page

2008-12-12T13:09:00.000-08:00

Sad news, folks. Bettie Page died yesterday. She was definitely a credit to us fellow brunettes. The world is now a little less glamorous. Rest in Peace, Bettie.

Eat Your Heart Out, Santa: Cookies to Commence

2008-12-10T21:07:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my buddy ol' pal, Cladeedah, I got some little tips on what the masses want from me for my Christmas cookies. Here is the final list:

sugar cookies with frosting
gingerbread men
peanut brittle
chocolate kiss cookies
white chocolate raspberry bars
chocolate hazelnut cookies

I can't wait to get started. I got the ingredients at the grocery store tonight and will start the baking tomorrow. Wish me luck!

You Just Don't Listen

2008-12-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

People, I give you my swear words, hot pictures and dumb jokes (i.e. everything) yet you make me suffer. For all of you rum-dummies who are on facebook and refuse to join my mafia--I stick out my tongue at you! so there

If you want to redeem yourselves, join my mafia or my tour on battle of the bands. Then, all will be right in the universe. (psst--you don't actually have to participate after you join).

It depends on you, my lovelies. Don't disappoint me.

Fugly Christmas Sweaters--Don't Do It!!

2008-12-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas, even fruitcake. There is one thing I truly can't stand...fugly Christmas sweaters. You know, the ones with all the embroidery and primary that your grandma loves? shudder.

If you are not convinced, then take a look at these masterworks. If I catch you in any of these, I will kick you in the jewels.

If you are still not convinced, just repeat after me...No, No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Back away from the embroidered sweater--and yes, vests and cardigans count.

Armpit Hair Fiesta Part 2

2008-12-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

We have another entrant in the prestigious public armpit ladies' club. Can you identify this armpit?

It's Ms. Sasha Fierce herself......Beyonce! Eeeeew.

So Lazy, So Hot

2008-12-02T21:45:00.001-08:00

I love the camera on my new phone. It helps me to capture the world of retarculousness that continually surrounds me. In other words, I constantly see some crazy shit. I'm like a homing signal for weirdos of all kinds.

Here's a perfect example. The other day I noticed a hot mess old lady in a motorized wheelchair--aka a Rascal. Right behind her was a younger hot mess in a regular wheelchair. You know, the kind of person that you suspiciously wonder if the only reason they are in the wheelchair is because they are fat and lazy...hot.

Anyway, just as the light turned, the Rascal started to move but then stopped...right in front of the bus! I thought she was going to be creamed by the bus but then I realize what was happening: the hot mess behind her was getting into place to grab her shoulders. That way she didn't have to expend any energy to work her wheelchair. retarculous.

Below is the picture of the hot action. Please note the pawn shop and cheezy strip club in the background. Oh yes, I will be submitting this snapshot for contests.

Food Coma

2008-11-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, folks. I've been busy stuffing my face. yummy yummy
There's a lull in the action, so I thought I'd check in before I take another nap.

My sister and her fiance came out to visit so I got to make a whole Thanksgiving feast: turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green salad, cranberry sauce, stuffing, pumpkin pie, cherry pie, and spice cake shaped like a turkey. We also went out for sushi one night, donuts and greasy food at the ESPN Zone. Honorable mention to the cheese trays, toffee, mini chocolate bundt cakes and cheesebake on other days.

No wonder I feel a little sick to my tummy. Weight Watchers weigh in is going to be a complete disaster on Wednesday. Have the Kleenex box ready, bitches.

Hotlanta Housewives Reunion

2008-11-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

I watched the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion show. It was so awesome. The viewers sent in some really catty questions like: Nene, why do you wear cheap clothes that show your saggy, old boobs? tee hee

They also featured several clips from Kim's country singing career. Her album will be released in January 2009...can't wait.

Nene called Kim a "trashy hooker" and threatened to rip the wig off her head. hot. Kim made up a story about having cancer. That's some baaaad karma right there, folks.

Who didn't love it when Lisa informed Kim that she had no talent. Stupid Kim pressed the issue, so naturally Lisa threatened to flip her over the couch and that she was not the one [to trifle with]. retarculous

The real highlight was when almost-too-gay-to-function Dwight said that the girls looked great except for Kim who needs some work to come into the 21st century. When she gasped and asked what was wrong. He calmly informed her that her hair needed some major work. burn. awesome.

You should really tune into Bravo this weekend to catch the reunion in one of the million reruns. It's definitely worth it.

Word of the Day: Scalawag

2008-11-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously in love with pirate lingo. Walk the plank, matey. Aaaaargh! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Battle down the hatches! My personal fave: scalawag...

Honestly, when is the last time you heard scalawag in non-pirate conversation? Believe it or not I heard it tonight on the reality show Real Chance of Love. One of the skanks was making fun of the other skanks by calling her a scalawag. seriously.

I bet you're wondering what this particular scalawag looks like. Here you go:

This lovely wench is a former porn star. Ahoy there, mateys!

Ode to Cladeedah: a Visual Poem

2008-11-24T08:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks Natalie Dee.

Christmas Cookie Bake-a-Thon

2008-11-22T22:09:00.000-08:00

Every year I like to make Christmas cookies. I give them to friends and neighbors and take some big plates into work. It's getting to be that time of year, so I need to start planning what I want to make.

I always make sugar cookies but everything else is up for grabs. I made gingerbread cookies last year which turned out well. My husband bought me a cookie press so I may do some butter cookies too.

I was wondering if anybody out there has any suggestions on old favorites that I should make. I like to bake from scratch so basically nothing is too hard or detailed. What can I say? I'm an overachiever. I'll take your suggestions for about a week or so and then I have to get down to serious planning. Thanks, guys!