Seriously, Beyonce, Put Those Nips Away

I finally sat down and watched the Oscars on my DVR last night. Hugh Jackman is so cute. I love him!

I have always been a fan of musical numbers during the Oscars so I was geeked to see them making a comeback. The biggest bummer was your buddy Beyone who obviously lip-synched through her performance even though Hugh Jackman, the kids from Mamma Mia and Zac and Vanessa from high school musical all sang live. Um, Beyonce--aren't you the only one in the group who is professional singer?

For her, the highlight of the entire performance had to be her tiny nipple slip. You'll have to really look to see it. If you want to see a bigger version of the picture, click here.

This is Your Future, Skanks

If any of you skanks out there look at my husband sideways, this is what you will get:



To quote one of my sorority sisters: "Sometimes bricks fly through windows. It happens."

Just try it, skank.

Relax: Vacations are NOT Supposed to be Stressful

I'm busy planning our fantastic vacation to France and Italy. My problem is that I am an over-planner. I want everything to go perfectly. I can feel myself slipping into nervousness because I want it to be great. My problem is that if I don't calm down I will focus on the small glitches rather than the whole experience.

Here's my new dilemma--how much do I actually need to pack? I want to pack light but not be without anything.

So far, you guys have been great with suggestions. I've plugged in restaurants and little itinerary changes to make the best of our time.

Help me focus on the good and not be so anxious that I ruin everything. Cross your fingers, people!

Hooray for Hollywood: the Oscars

I realized that my previous post was getting hella-long so I started a new one. Don't worry, it won't be any nicer.

Jennifer Aniston just presented with Jack Black. She looks the same--all-American surfer girl. yawn. The funny thing is that while she's talking, the camera switches to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (twice). poor thing. Even the Oscars camera crew won't let her escape.

[small break--gottaa go to mass--will continue soon)

Oscar Critiques: Let the Games Begin

Sorry, folks. I was out and about so I missed the first hour of arrivals. I will go back and fill in later. Here are the highlights from my mind re: Oscar arrivals.
If you want pictures, you can go here to the E site.

Taraji P. Henson--beautiful diamaond necklace and ring but why oh why did she lift up her dress to show Seacrest both her ankle tattoo and spanks? yikes.

Amy Adams and Heidi Klum are both wearing red. Amy Adams is wearing a killer beaded necklace. Heidi is wearing Roland Mouret and so it is structured but I'm not that impressed. Heidi does have some great chandelier earrings but awful, chunky bangles. Yes, I said bangles. This round does to Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera.

I say a flash of Marisa Tomei. Fortunately, she doesn't look completely tragic. Her makeup and hair are pretty. I need to see more of the gown to form an opinion.

Update: the dress has allll sorts of pleats and folds on it (Versace). not my fave. Definitely a case of the dress wearing the person. overwhelming details.

Amanda Seyfried (daughter in Big Love/Mamma Mia) is also wearing red. Her dress has a big bow at the waist. I'm normally a sucker for bows but not this one.

Mickey Rourke alert--he's wearing a tight-ass white Gaultier tux. he's so gross

Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing a big fru-fru ballerina-type huge ballgown. It's very girly and a different silhouette then what we normally see on the red carpet. Dior Couture? yep. It's a very light green. She looks great.

My favorite so far: Freida Pinto. She looks amazing in a royal blue John Galliano. Ladies, this is how you do it. Galliano is definitely my favorite gay pirate. aaargh

Ann Hathaway is wearing a glittery white column gown. She is also wearing a diamond brooch in her hair. Her makeup and hair people have done their best to make her look less-alienlike. On second glance, the bottom of the skirt is actually covered by layers of paillettes (think very large sequins). Verdict: love it!

Update: it's Armani Prive. I'm honestly surprised. Where's the Valentino??

Melissa George looks like she forgot her dress. She is wearing a corset gown that looks like a girdle with a skirt attached. not cute

Commercial break. My friend Anna is having an Oscars party featuring mini-pigs-in-a-blanket. I can't keep my mind off pigs-in-a-blanket...yummy... I got my self a bowl of ice cream with better-than-sex caramel syrup. I'm fixed now. sugar coma...

Sophia Loren is there! I love her. Her makeup is troweled on but she can do no wrong in my book. Her rack looks great. rarr!

Beyonce is wearing her usual mermaid, form-fitting dress. It has gold embroidered roses on it. hmmm Her makeup is weird though. She looks like she played up her eyebrows. eeew

Meryl Streep actually looks good. She normally wears things that make her look thick and flat-chested. She's wearing a draped gray gown and a soft updo. nice

Update: the waist of the gown is weird. It's as if the designer was trying too hard to cover her slight tummy.

Queen Latifah is wearing a mermaid dress. As a bigger girl, I always appreciate her. I want to like her, I really do, but I just don't love it.

Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are being interviewed by dumbass Seacrest. Diane's hair is softer and she's wearing vintage jewelry. I can't see her dress really well though. As soon as I do, I'll give you my opinion--my pretties.

Update: gooorgeous absolutely gorgeous detail on a black mermaid gown. love her

Jessica Biel is on the phone. She must be yelling at the blind dude who did her hair. Disheveled is nice, hot mess is not. It doesn't get better with the dress. She has a great body but she's wearing a too-short, unflattering ivory dress with black velvet pumps. Seriously not cute.

Evan Rachel Wood still has her red hair. She looks great. She should definitely keep her stylist since she has looked like a million bucks this awards season.

Marion Cotillard is wearing a sequined gown with a full tulle skirt. She always goes for it. I definitely like this dress better than last yeat's boob scales.

We're halfway done my peeps. Overall, I notice that ladies are wearing red or pale, muted colors inspired by the 2009 spring collections. Verdict to this point: Freida Pinto is my favorite and Jessica Biel looks like shit.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arrived. Angelina is wearing a black, sweetheart neck gown. It's fitted, guys! She's also wearing emerald drop earrings. beautiful

Update: they totally snubbed Seacrest. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA love that

Penelope Cruz is wearing an a-ma-zing diamond necklace. whew. She is wearing a really interesting, brocade and chiffon big fluffy gown. This is how you do details on the dress without it overwhelming you (ahem, Marisa Tomei).

Update: 1940s Balmain. There's nothing like vintage done right.

Oh, Kate Winslet, what the hell are you wearing? asymmetric strap making her boobs look like they are different heights, sheer fabric on the back and hips...boo! hiss!

Tilda Swinton, my friend, you are a mess. tranny-fied mess. hate it, abhor it, gross.

Alicia Keys is wearing a pink draped number. I like it except for the weird piece of chiffon coming out of her nipple. don't get that.

Okay, let's switch over to ABC. They have Tim Gunn!! I LOVE him.

Oh no, it's Kate Winslet again. Love her, hate the dress. It's Yves St. Laurent too. I should have guessed with the satin. I like her last black YSL gown much better. Some of you out there might like it, but you're wrong.

Oh no, Miley Cyrus is a bedazzled mess. I'll cut her a little slack because she's a teenage from Appalachia where more is more. Not good for a tranny, then not good for you sweetcheeks. It looks like it's made of weirdly shaped flower petals. Just say NOOOOOOO to Cinderella on acid.

Zac Efron is wearing slightly less makeup than his date Vanessa Hudgens. I'm not sure I like her dress either.

Viola Davis looks great. She's wearing a gold Marilyn Monroe-like pleated gown. She's wearing incredible diamond bracelets. love it.

Sidebar: love me some Tim Gunn. Here's what he said to Marisa Tomei: "Mickey Rourke has said that he loves to see you with your clothes off. Well, I for one love to see you with your clothes on." Oh Tim, that's because Mickey is creepy and desperate and you are super-gay. Love you, please be my best friend!

The show is starting so our time is coming to a close. I will add updates if I see anyone richly deserving of some remarks. Let's do this next year!

Goddess of the evening:





Trash bucket who should have stayed home:

Jessica Biel! If it tells you anything, I cannot for the life of me find a picture that I can post... Look what happens when you look like crap.

Honorable Skank-mention:



Update: Tina Fey is on stage right now and she looks abso-freakin-lutely fantabulous. At first, I didn't recognize her. She is not wearing black!

Oscar Dress Countdown

I am seriously looking forward to the red carpet tonight. I may have to leave at the end of the pre-show (bummer) but everything will be recorded. I think this year I am going to try to blog my comments live. So, if any of you would like to participate by leaving comments, together we can criticize live! AWESOME.

See you in a few hours. Go sharpen your claws.

Seeking Vacation Suggestions

My hubby and I are going on a fabulous tour of France and Italy in about a month. If any of you skanks have any suggestions on restaurants or not-to-miss sights in Paris, Venice, Florence or Rome--let me know. Thanks, y'all.

Starting to Love the Dead Presidents

One of the reasons I luv my job is that we get all the government holidays off. Guess what tomorrow is ladies and germs? No, not Flag Day. It's President's Day!

I'm planning on doing just what Mr. Lincoln would want me to do: get a mani/pedi. Oh yeah, Viva la Revolution!

Lost in Translation

Umm...well..I hope you people don't get the wrong idea, ya pervs.



Viva Las Vegas! The home of the best Mow & Blow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wish you all retarculous amounts of love and happiness this Valentine's Day!

Love you guys!

Prettier Than Us

As you know, I am a fan of...well...let's say..trashy TV. In my hunt for the most mindnumbing, cotton candy entertainment of the week, I flip through the channels quite a bit. Guess what I found, people? A new TV obsession: RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh yeah, THAT RuPaul.

It follows a competition between 9 fabulous drag queens to be the next superstar drag queen. Let me tell you, honey, some of those ladies are very pretty. They are clearly professionals. They have baby soft skin, great bodies and have some fierce makeup skills. fierce

Maybe they should have a show where nerdy girls are madeup by drag queens and lip synch RuPaul songs. Girl, you better work!

Gun Show

So I made my triumphant return to the the gym after almost dying and what-not the past week or so. I still can't reliably breathe through my nose so I decided not to become a human concertina on a cardio machine. weez. cough. weez.

I lifted weights to try to get some strength back. Overall, I feel good about it. For those of you Vegas people, I went to the new Molasky 24 Hour Fitness and really liked it. They just extended their hours until 11 pm Mon-Sat. I think I'm going to make it my new gym since it's conveniently on my way home from work.

Score One for the Nerdy Girls

Do you remember Lisa Loeb's reality show #1 Single where she was looking for a nice Jewish boy to marry? As a little nerdball myself, I always hoped she would find a decent guy. Episode after episode we were disappointed...sigh.

It took a few years, but our wishes have come true. Lisa got married to Roey Hershkovitz--the music supervisor from the Conan O'Brien show. If you want to read more about it, click here. Maybe he'll Stay. har har har

Madonna + Jesus Sitting in a Tree

Is anyone else slightly disturbed that Madonna is seeing a Brazilian guy named Jesus? Um, okay.

Then, I found a picture of him...



A-ha! I got it. Play on.

What? No Flowers? Being Almost Dead Sucks

You may have noticed that there has been a lapses in my posts. I've been clinging to life with some sort of avian bird flu/Piven mercury poisoning for the past week. I even stayed home from work on Thursday and was almost silent for the whole weekend. As you know, it takes a whole lot of germies to get me to that state!

I was shocked to find out that as I lay in bed hacking up phelgm alongside my sickie husband, that one does not get presents when you are almost-dead. Shouldn't we send flowers for the almost-dead? Let's shake on it. Next time, you better come through, people. If not...okay, nothing will happen, but I like flowers, okay?

So if you are wondering what helped me make my miraculous recovery, I will show you my secret to health and happiness:



Seriously, what is there not to like about Devastatin' Dave, Turntable Slave? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Perfect in every way.

If you start feeling sick, just click your heels and repeat: ZIP ZAP RAP!