Farewell My Concubine

You may have noticed that I have not bee blogging. Fair readers, I hope you did not end it all in your despair. I have been busy with all sorts of Christmas activities-shopping, baking, going to parties. Oh yeah, it's that glamorous.

Unfortunately, the blog posts will be a little further delayed. I'm having some technical difficults transferring some super hot pictures from my camera phone to the blog. Plus, I am flying to Chicago at the buttcrack of dawn tomorrow. I doubt I'll be able to get to a computer long enough to post...so even if it's a little early:

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We'll have plenty of hot, egregious, retarculous fun in 2009. Adios!

RIP Bettie Page

Sad news, folks. Bettie Page died yesterday. She was definitely a credit to us fellow brunettes. The world is now a little less glamorous. Rest in Peace, Bettie.

Eat Your Heart Out, Santa: Cookies to Commence

Thanks to my buddy ol' pal, Cladeedah, I got some little tips on what the masses want from me for my Christmas cookies. Here is the final list:

sugar cookies with frosting
gingerbread men
peanut brittle
chocolate kiss cookies
white chocolate raspberry bars
chocolate hazelnut cookies



I can't wait to get started. I got the ingredients at the grocery store tonight and will start the baking tomorrow. Wish me luck!

You Just Don't Listen

People, I give you my swear words, hot pictures and dumb jokes (i.e. everything) yet you make me suffer. For all of you rum-dummies who are on facebook and refuse to join my mafia--I stick out my tongue at you! so there

If you want to redeem yourselves, join my mafia or my tour on battle of the bands. Then, all will be right in the universe. (psst--you don't actually have to participate after you join).

It depends on you, my lovelies. Don't disappoint me.

Fugly Christmas Sweaters--Don't Do It!!

I love Christmas. I love everything about Christmas, even fruitcake. There is one thing I truly can't stand...fugly Christmas sweaters. You know, the ones with all the embroidery and primary that your grandma loves? shudder.

If you are not convinced, then take a look at these masterworks. If I catch you in any of these, I will kick you in the jewels.























If you are still not convinced, just repeat after me...No, No, No, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Back away from the embroidered sweater--and yes, vests and cardigans count.

Armpit Hair Fiesta Part 2

We have another entrant in the prestigious public armpit ladies' club. Can you identify this armpit?



It's Ms. Sasha Fierce herself......Beyonce! Eeeeew.

So Lazy, So Hot

I love the camera on my new phone. It helps me to capture the world of retarculousness that continually surrounds me. In other words, I constantly see some crazy shit. I'm like a homing signal for weirdos of all kinds.

Here's a perfect example. The other day I noticed a hot mess old lady in a motorized wheelchair--aka a Rascal. Right behind her was a younger hot mess in a regular wheelchair. You know, the kind of person that you suspiciously wonder if the only reason they are in the wheelchair is because they are fat and lazy...hot.

Anyway, just as the light turned, the Rascal started to move but then stopped...right in front of the bus! I thought she was going to be creamed by the bus but then I realize what was happening: the hot mess behind her was getting into place to grab her shoulders. That way she didn't have to expend any energy to work her wheelchair. retarculous.

Below is the picture of the hot action. Please note the pawn shop and cheezy strip club in the background. Oh yes, I will be submitting this snapshot for contests.

Food Coma

Sorry for the lack of posts, folks. I've been busy stuffing my face. yummy yummy
There's a lull in the action, so I thought I'd check in before I take another nap.



My sister and her fiance came out to visit so I got to make a whole Thanksgiving feast: turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green salad, cranberry sauce, stuffing, pumpkin pie, cherry pie, and spice cake shaped like a turkey. We also went out for sushi one night, donuts and greasy food at the ESPN Zone. Honorable mention to the cheese trays, toffee, mini chocolate bundt cakes and cheesebake on other days.

No wonder I feel a little sick to my tummy. Weight Watchers weigh in is going to be a complete disaster on Wednesday. Have the Kleenex box ready, bitches.

Hotlanta Housewives Reunion

I watched the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion show. It was so awesome. The viewers sent in some really catty questions like: Nene, why do you wear cheap clothes that show your saggy, old boobs? tee hee

They also featured several clips from Kim's country singing career. Her album will be released in January 2009...can't wait.

Nene called Kim a "trashy hooker" and threatened to rip the wig off her head. hot. Kim made up a story about having cancer. That's some baaaad karma right there, folks.

Who didn't love it when Lisa informed Kim that she had no talent. Stupid Kim pressed the issue, so naturally Lisa threatened to flip her over the couch and that she was not the one [to trifle with]. retarculous

The real highlight was when almost-too-gay-to-function Dwight said that the girls looked great except for Kim who needs some work to come into the 21st century. When she gasped and asked what was wrong. He calmly informed her that her hair needed some major work. burn. awesome.

You should really tune into Bravo this weekend to catch the reunion in one of the million reruns. It's definitely worth it.

Word of the Day: Scalawag

I'm seriously in love with pirate lingo. Walk the plank, matey. Aaaaargh! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Battle down the hatches! My personal fave: scalawag...

Honestly, when is the last time you heard scalawag in non-pirate conversation? Believe it or not I heard it tonight on the reality show Real Chance of Love. One of the skanks was making fun of the other skanks by calling her a scalawag. seriously.

I bet you're wondering what this particular scalawag looks like. Here you go:



This lovely wench is a former porn star. Ahoy there, mateys!

Ode to Cladeedah: a Visual Poem

Thanks Natalie Dee.

Christmas Cookie Bake-a-Thon

Every year I like to make Christmas cookies. I give them to friends and neighbors and take some big plates into work. It's getting to be that time of year, so I need to start planning what I want to make.

I always make sugar cookies but everything else is up for grabs. I made gingerbread cookies last year which turned out well. My husband bought me a cookie press so I may do some butter cookies too.

I was wondering if anybody out there has any suggestions on old favorites that I should make. I like to bake from scratch so basically nothing is too hard or detailed. What can I say? I'm an overachiever. I'll take your suggestions for about a week or so and then I have to get down to serious planning. Thanks, guys!

Victory at the Scales

You may have noticed that I have been suspiciously quiet about Weight Watchers the past month or so. To make a long story short, I was close to abandoning ship. I had gained back some of the 35+ pounds I lost...bummer. I decided to buckle down and push away from the table.

Guess what? I'm proud to say that at yesterday's weigh-in, I was down .8 pounds. It's a huge relief to be headed in the right direction again. Thanksgiving will be tough next week, but I'm not going to let another lapse become a collapse.



As a side note, I've switched over to Weight Watchers' core plan. Basically, you can eat all you want from a list of approved foods. In addition, you have 35 flex points for things off the list. The list includes everything you would think--fruit, veggies, lean meat, legumes, whole grain. You know, the stuff you know you should be eating instead of margaritas and doritos. dee-licious.

Starbucks Recipe: Caramel Macchiato

My favorite drink at Starbucks is the caramel macchiato. yummy. They even make a non-fat, sugar-free version so I'm in heaven. If you folks want to make it home, here's the recipe (from an ex-Starbucks employee):

Caramel Macchiato
The average coffee mug is probably equivalent to a Tall (12-oz/355 mL). I am not following precise Starbucks standards, though if you must know it's properly one shot of espresso, about .75 oz syrup (.25 oz per 4 oz liquid capacity).


milk
espresso
vanilla syrup
your favorite caramel sauce
In a regular-sized coffee mug, add vanilla syrup and steamed milk. Top with milk foam and add freshly brewed espresso through the foam. Drizzle with caramel sauce.


Iced Caramel Macchiato
Same ingredients, plus some small ice cubes and (optional) whipped cream

In a pint glass or iced tea glass (we're assuming 16 oz), add vanilla syrup and fill about 3/5 of the way with cold milk. Add ice almost to the top and pour espresso (2 shots would be typical) over the top. If you've done it right, the espresso will mix in only about halfway down without stirring. If adding whipped cream, add it here. Drizzle the top with caramel and enjoy.

NBC B*stards

In case you missed it, Saturday Night Live from last Saturday had a great parody of Beyonce's Single Ladies video featuring Justin Timberlake, Adam Samberg and one of the new guys dancing in black leotards.

The problem is that those Nazi b*stards at NBC have removed all of the videos from the Internet without posting it on the official SNL website. Wha? So mean.

If anyone out there finds the parody, please forward it to me and I'll post it. Until then, you'll have to get by with the real Single Ladies video.

Let's Go to Target!

Folks, I love shopping at Target but since I'm on a budget I often end up at stinky ol' Walmart. No more, friends!

Target announced yesterday that is slashing its prices and will match Walmart. Evidently their third quarter earnings were much lower than expected and they need to increase their holiday earnings to have a chance of making the fourth quarter earnings estimates.

You know what that means? Let's get dressed up and go to Target! Yaa-hoo!

Proctor and Gamble Saver

I have to confess that I like clipping coupons. I am a bargain shopper at heart. There are tons of websites and blogs devoted to coupons and deals but the problem is that most of the deals only apply in certain regions. A great example is that there are no stores in Las Vegas that offer double coupons. None!

You may have experienced similar frustration so I thought I would share a little secret: the P&G Saver. The P&G Saver is a monthly newspaper insert in the first Sunday of the month. If that Sunday is a holiday weekend, then it is the following weekend.

Not impressed, yet? Think about all the P&G products in your house: Tide, Colgate, Cascade, Pampers, Charmin, Oil of Olay, Bounty, Febreze, Folgers, Crest, Iams, Pringles...the list goes on and on. You're probably surrounded by P&G stuff.

Here's the plan: on December 7, by the newpaper or steal it from your job on Monday morning. The P&G saver is its own little booklet in the section with the other coupons. You'll be surprised how much money you'll save on stuff you buy all the time. You can thank me later.

The Universe is Mocking Me

My buddy Cladeedah is still gone on vacation. I miss her soooo much. To get my mind off of her absence, I went to Williams Sonoma to look at Thanksgiving menu and decorating suggestions. Look what I found right on the first page:



Cladeedah, please come home soon!

Church Outfit

I'm going to church later this afternoon so I was wondering what I should wear.

After some brief Internet research, I have decided on this classy outfit modeled by my fave Shauna Sand. It covers all the bases:
black (check), skirt (check), lucite heels (double check).
Perfection!

I Can't Resist

Unmotivated

Sunday is my normal day to clean the house and to finish up errands that I didn't get to during the week. Other than grocery shopping...uh...well that's all I've accomplished other than reading articles on the web about French decorating. I did find a really great house plan that I can't afford. Here's a picture of the front. If you want the rest, go to this plan.


Pretty sweet, right? I can imagine myself poolside right now.

Style Crossroads

When my husband and I started decorating our new house 2 years ago, we decided that we wanted to do a Tuscan theme. We have used warm, saturated colors and plenty of wood and wrought iron. The problem is that I think we unwittingly have chosen things that could also be called Provencal.

What do you think people? Should I get back to Italian or push over to French? They are pretty close but I wanted to get some input. I'm having trouble posting pictures, but I will try to update later. Any thoughts?

I'm Not Going to Make It Without Cladeedah

Today was the first work day without my buddy Cladeedah. She is on a fabulous trip to China. I'm glad that staff photographer SDM was there or I wouldn't have made it.

Cladeedah Come Back to Me!

Viva Las Vegas Scavenger Hunt

When my two best high school friends were here, we decided to do a scavenger hunt for some cheezy Vegas stuff. If we found everything, we would be true Mavericks! Below are the results (thanks Anna):

Cowboy - check
Bad weave/unfortunate hair - check
Hooker - low rent version - check
- high rent version - check
- tranny - bonus!
Bachelorette party - check, more than we could count!
Bride playing at the tables - we couldn't find this one, though we did see a couple brides going into the casinos
Frat boys gone to seed - check
Latex/rubber/pleather mini dress - well, it might have been spandex or stretch satin, hard to tell given how tight it was, but it did have gold lame.
Gambler with an O2 tank - check! this one took quite a while to find - thank you Binion's!
Couple in matching track suits - also a suprisingly tough one, finally at Bellagio of all places.
Fighting couple - check
Collagen lips - check
Enormous fake boobs - oh, dear God, check!
Yard o' Beer - check
Fanny pack - check, again far too many to count.
Unfortunate bare midriff - on a cocktail waitress no doubt
Obvious gold digger - check
Lucite heels - there were actually not truly lucite, but 1 pair seen on an actual person in platform gold and several pairs of patent leather platforms availble for purchase at the World's Largest Gift Shop - so I think that should count
Biker chick/dude - check
Couple making out - check
Swingers/Rat Pack wannabes - check
High roller clearly in it for the attention - check (conveniently with a gold-digger in tow)
Getting checked out by a creepy guy - check
Motorized wheelchair - check

A few Bonus items we had not thought of...
Ascot - on an actual man at Bouchon
Pregnant cocktail waitress
Kids left in the car in one of the casino parking lots
Elvis
And 2 ladies and a possible whore!!!

And we didn't get beat up when trying to find any of this (and then ogling them)
All in all, I think we more than deserve the right to call ourselves "mavericks"!

Only in Las Vegas! You need to see it to believe it.

Friend Me, Please!

You may have noticed that the blog has been pretty quiet lately. My two best friends from high school visited me this past weekend. We had an absolute blast. I'll have some more posts about our adventures, but I wanted to share my new obsession: Facebook.

I am now obsessed in getting as many friends as possible. If you are on Facebook, please friend me. I'm easy so I will definitely accept.

Indiana Went Blue...Huh?

I grew up in Indiana. There are enough good l' boys and conservatives to keep Indiana staunchly Republican. I looked it up and Indiana has voted Republican in every Presidential election since 1964 for Lyndon Johnson. Usually, they just put a little red Indiana in the map before the vote count starts. Kind of tough if you don't vote Republican. sigh.

But look at this, baby:

Obama 1,359,875 50%
McCain 1,337,157 49%

It's a pretty nice feeling to have the candidate you voted for actually win.

The Bitch is Back

Hey folks! I've returned from my vacation in Mexico. I see you've been in good hands with my guest bloggers SDM and Cladeedah. I know, I know, you like them better than me, but you'll have to muddle through with me.

Cause this bitch is back!! Ooooooh yeah.

The Void that Bethany Left: Day 8 (afternoon) - The Memorable Lunch Errand with Claudeedah

Claudeedah needed a smog check, so of course I volunteered to tag along. After entering the “Smog Shack” in the wrong direction in a one-way aisle, she had to make a three-point turn. While going in reverse, she rammed into a pole (pictured below) causing significant cervical pain.



After the shock of the accident, I exited the vehicle and was forced to witness the booty crack of “Joe the Smog Shack Guy.” I thought low-rise jeans were so 2006.

The Void that Bethany Left: Day 8

Times are tough. The election is starting to wear me down, and I am losing my mind. November 5th cannot come soon enough. Over the weekend, I pulled myself away from CNN for two (2) hours to go the movies and watch "The Secret Life of Bees." Per Roger Ebert, "Bees is an Enchanting Parable of Hope and Love," however I found myself laughing outloud at the most inappropriate times...like when a character committed suicide, and when the lady sitting approximately seven (7) seats from me was crying so hard she was practically squealing. I clearly wasn't in the right frame of mind to see "Bees". I should've seen High School Musical 3....

The Void That Bethany Left: Day 6

S&M, Heather and Bethany were all out today, so work was a total sausage-fest. If not for this video, my day would have been totally devoid of any joy.

The Void That Bethany Left: Day Two (afternoon)

A race war is brewing. Cladeedah and SDM have had no choice but to ban together in the aftermath of Chris' highly offensive and racist comments. Without Bethany's presence, no one has been able to diffuse the racial tension. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but not very much. The point is: we need Bethany! It's very hard to not tear up when I walk past her empty office.

The Void That Bethany Left: Day 2

You totally missed it. Your friend Chris told me I wasn't a real minority because I could pass for white and because I didn't talk like a minority. Oh, also, he informed me that I've never been discriminated against. You seriously have to get back here so he can enlighten you with his wisdom as well.

The Void That Bethany Left: Day 1

The office has been strangely quiet today. JB is sullen. We miss our Bethany already...

Welcome Guest Bloggers!

I am going to Puerto Vallarta for some serious recreation starting tomorrow until November 1! Since I will have both my hands occupied with margaritas at all times, I have invited two of Dmitri's most elegant ladies to post on my blog to keep you people happy: SDM and Cladeedah.

I expect you peoples to be on your best behavior. If not, well, I won't do anything because I can't chase away both my readers...That's besides the point.

I know that SDM and Cladeedah will do a great job, but you have to promise you won't love them more than me!! Pinky promise with sugar on top?? awesome.

Hello?

Hello? Is this thing on?

Season Wrap Up: 10-4

Sports Fans, our softball season came to a close last Thursday with two hard-fought victories--including a come from behind win!

After losing 4 games in a row, the team was anxious to turn the trend around by playing some quality ball. We knew that we were tied with our opposition for second in the standings, so we had to dig down deep. To make matters worse, the other team was full of whiners and d-bags. It's tough not to upset or flustered when they are heckling and generally being jerkwads. Again, let's remind everyone that this is recreational softball. Wearing tight baseball pants, tapping the plate and saying nasty things is the furthest thing from a good time.

We won the first game by a close margin. In the second game, we had some defensive misplays that allowed them to go ahead early. We fought back with some great hitting, discpline at the plate and great fielding in the second half to pull it out in the very last inning! What a great finish! We celebrated by drinking the beer left in the team cooler. Now THAT is recreational, folks.

Bethany highlights: After striking out (boo) at my first plate appearance, I settled down and made some good contact. Over the course of my season, my hitting improved, but I definitely need more practice before next season. I never did catch a fly ball in the outfield. I seriously need to work on positioning myself better, but, again, with some practice I hope to make a better showing defensively next season. Hopefully I can stay in the outfield.

Stay tuned.

Please Don't Die New Roses

Great news, fair readers. I won 5 roses on ebay. I lost the bidding on some of the original ones I wanted, but I found some great substitutes. As long as they make it (cross your fingers) they will be lovely additions. Most of them are really fragrant, antique style roses. My rose garden is going to be so great.

Introducing the new additions:

Danae--Hybrid Musk

Baronne Prevost--Hybird Perpetual

Desprez a Fleur Jaune--Climbing Tea-Noisette

Princess Varona--Buck Shrub

Love-Grandiflora