New Favorite Sticker

I saw this sticker today and thought it was hysterical. Feel free to plagiarize.

Oh my God!
Are you okay?
I saw the short bus
Flip over and I know
How you don’t like to wear
Your helmet because it’s
Hard to lick the
Windows :)

Kitty Hijinks

Do you want to see the cutest picture ever? Feast your little eyes on our new friend Sophie. She drinks water out of the bathroom faucet by getting her paw wet and then licking her paw. All together now: aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Cooking JC's French Onion Soup

I belong to a book club and this month was Julie & Julia to coincide with the movie coming out. I grew up watching Julia Child's cooking show on PBS. I always loved her shows, especially with that cutie-pie Jacques Pepin. She always made it seem like a super-complicated recipe was actually possible for a home cook.

I'd never made one of her recipes before, but I was inspired by the book. I'm a decent cook so I was determined to tackle one of her recipes. Since I'm finishing up the last of the strict phase of South Beach, I also selfishly wanted to have something that I knew I could eat. After some thought, I decided to make french onion soup. I could eat it without the bread and cheese topping and be satisfied. Awesome!

I had to stay late at work on Wednesday so I didn't get home until about 9:30. I sliced up 6 pounds of onions--think about it, it's 2 big bags from the store. Then, I set to carmelize them with a stick of butter and some olive oil. I stirred, stirred, and stirred but after an hour and a half I gave up. The onions were sweet and had broken down into small chunks but never got that beautiful brown color. My back ached the whole next day from stirring so much.

Then, I added the beef broth and simmered for a short while. Somewhat lacking carmelization, the soup wasn't as rich and beefy tasting as I wanted. Luckily, I dug in my refrigerator and found some beef demi glace. Between some lovely beaujalais and the demi glace, the broth was much improved.

While the soup was simmering, I shredded swiss cheese and prepared the bread rounds. Basically, you slice up french bread and toast with a little olive oil until all the moisture is removed.

At book club the next day, I reheated the soup, placed the toast round and shredded cheese on top and set in the oven to get all melty and yummy. It was a big hit.

Thanks to the book club for inspiring me to FINALLY have the courage to attempt one of JC's recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I was so bouyed by my success, my husband bought me the 2 volume set. I've been reviewing the volumes and have selected a few more recipes to try. Maybe you'll have to come over one night for some beef burgundy, orange bavarian cream, lobster gratin...the list goes on.

Souhaitez-moi la chance! (Wish me luck!)

Baby Stealing

I went to visit my friends in the hospital today to see their new baby. The baby is so cute and snuggly. Normally, babies instantly squirm and cry when I hold them so I was prepared for the worst. I was as shocked as you are that the baby was totally cuddly and relaxed!

So I have a fantastic idea: instead of getting pregnant, going through labor (ouch) and risk having an ugly baby....why not steal one? Oh yeah, foolproof plan. Of course, my friends might recognize him so I'll have to come up with a cover story. Any ideas?

Walgreens Doesn't Sell Dirt, You Dummy

I was at a Walgreens last Thursday afternoon with my co-worker. We were waiting in line to pay for stuff I can't even remember now but was vitally important at the time. This dude comes in, eyes the long line, and then walks directly up to the cashier.

Side Bar: like most urban Walgreens' cashiers, she looked less than pleased to be there. In fact, she looked like she was hungover or possibly still drunk--sort of like a meaner version of Droopy. So awesome.

Anyway, so our friend random dude tries to butter up the cashier by using her name and asking her where is the (here's what I hear) "potting mix". Mean Droopy asks if he means for alcohol mixers. He's frustrated and says that he's from the South and he drove all the way to this Walgreens (?) to find "potting mix". My co-worker then suggests that if he's looking for a mix of different kinds of candy. At this point, I'm sorely confused because I think he's asking for potting soil. So, I ask "Do you mean dirt?" To this, he shoots me a nasty side glance and complains that we are all comedians or something.

Then he more helpfully explains he's looking for pretzels, Chex mix, etc. Ahhhh, you're looking for "party mix" not "potting mix". Oops, sorry for making fun of the awesome Southern accent. I was wondering why he thought Walgreens sold dirt.

So Thirsty on South Beach

Okay, so I'm on Day 6 of South Beach. I'm supposed to drink sugar-free, caffeine-free stuff. I'm also supposed to stay away from sugar alcohols so I have to stay away from diet pop. Hmmmm.

At this point, I am drinking water and iced SF, decaf tea. I'm getting kind of bored and majorly thirsty. Anyone have any good suggestions for me?

Twilight Movie Kinda Sucked

Okay, so I try not to publicly identify myself as a twitard in public, but I have to admit that I really, really loved the books. Of course, my favorite was Midnight Sun (please, please finish it Stephenie).

Since I'm late to the party I wanted to wait to watch the movie until after I read the books so that it didn't spoil anything for me. So, last night my favoritest husband in the world surprised me with the movie in hand. YEAH!

As I was watching it, I just couldn't get over all the weird directing decisions and the changes from the book. I understand that a 500 page book needs to severely edited to make it into a regular length feature...but why would you add dialogue that doesn't exist in the book? Catherine Hardwicke was just trying too hard to give the movie an Indie vibe with the camera movements and music.

What really killed me was the casting: Nikki Reed as Rosalie? Ashley Greene as Alice? Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. Nikki Reed just isn't pretty enough and Ashley Greene's personality is right but doesn't come across as a tiny pixie.

Of course, like any good geek, I'm going to re-watch the movie to see if my opinion changes. I think now that I know where she decided to change things, I'll be able to calm down. Even my husband (who hasn't read the books) admitted that the trailer for New Moon looked better than Twilight. Hopefully, he's right! He usually is...

South Beach Continues--Day 5

I'm on Day 5 of South Beach. It's still tough saying no to all my delicious carb-friends, but I feel a lot better than I did at the beginning of the week. I suspect that most of my problems are really from caffeine withdrawal.

I must say that the recipes in the South Beach book are awesome. It's much easier for me to stay on target if I can eat something that doesn't look or taste like diet food. Tonight I'm going to have grilled steak and vegetables. I'd eat that with or without South Beach so that's great.

Plus, I'm a total dummy and didn't notice that the "Foods to Enjoy" list goes onto the top of the next page..duh.. I can have some treats like sugar-free gum and sugar-free fudgsicles! That may not seem like much to you but it's the world to me.

Keep your fingers crossed for me people, I am almost at the halfway point of the hardest part--and I've already lost some weight! Yes!

South Beach Day One

I've gained some weight lately and didn't want it to go any further....so...I had to make some decisions. I thought and thought with my little pea brain until I came to the conclusion that the diet that worked best for me was South Beach.



For those of you who haven't done South Beach, it's like a less-strict Atkins. You still have the 2 week cleanse phase but then you get to add in things like fruit, dairy and whole grains. Honestly, it's the stuff you know you should eat: lean meat, vegetables, fruit, whole grains, etc. (Etc. sadly does not include moose tracks ice cream with bittersweet chocolate sauce)

Anyway, it's Day One for me. I must say I feel like crap. I don't remember feeling this badly the last time I did this. I am hungry, tired and my head hurts. I also have awesomely bad breath because I can neither drink pop or chew gum. Gotta bring my toothbrush tomorrow. Of course, some well-meaning but very evil person brought in at least 3 types of homebaked goodies today for the whole office...that makes me want to punch that person in the face. This is how it would go:

Me: Hey, did you bake those yummy cookies in the break room?
Satan: Yes, did you like them?
Me: [punch]
Satan: Ow.

Wish me luck tomorrow. On a 1-10 pain scale, today has got to be a 7.

First Time on the Reservation

There are lots of firsts in our lives. Today, I went down to the reservation of:




I bought some yummy ice cream treats. I have a receipt and everything to prove it but cannot get it to post. I'll do it later. It's so awesome, you'll love it!

Since I'm from Indiana, Indian reservations are few and far between (or try none)...so setting foot on one is a big deal. It's less than impressive in person, but then again, you folks know how little it takes to make me happy.

Happy Thursday (my Friday)!

Flying Bitch Slap

Somebody in your life needs one... Or is it you?

Another Reason Why Your Town Sucks

Does the General Lee drive down your streets? Didn't think so. It does here in Las Vegas. I bet the dude in the Viking helmet is driving it. Long live Vegas!

Shampoo v. Viking Helmet

Dear federal government friends,

Let's get something straight. If I try to take 3.5 oz. of shampoo on the plane, I am a dirty freedom-hating terrorist, but your boy here can wear a Viking helmet for his awesome blowout weekend in Vegas? Okay, just checking.

Thanks for clearing that up,
Bethany

Finally, Some Good News

So, I went to the fertility doctor for my initial consultation. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous. I just kept imagining in my head that the doctor would kindly shake his head and tell me it was no hope. Of course, my husband told me to calm down but I wasn't having it.

We went over my medical history and my tests/procedures to date. The bad news is that the doctor confirmed that something is definitely wrong with me. If not, I would have been pregnant looong ago. That's a little hard to hear out loud, but I had prepared myself to hear that. Nobody wants to hear that there's something wrong with you. I can't help myself from wondering what I did wrong.

Here's the good news, dear reader(s)...if the only problem I have is the blocked Fallopian tube, then that is a relatively easy obstacle to overcome! Yeah! The doctor said that my chances of getting pregnant are "very high." I got all teary eyed in the office when he said that. It's indescribably joyful to hear good news after years of bad news and disppointment.

The next step is to get about 1,000 invasive tests done to confirm that I only have the one issue going on. The other piece of good news is that it is possible for me to cram in all the testing in the next month so I should know the verdict very soon.

Here's my other next step--scheduling an emergency soda night. How 'bout it, ladies? Who wants to get black out drunk? I see all your raised hands, so call me.

I Love People

You may be driving around, wondering to yourself...how can I fix up my car? Well, dear reader(s), I have the solution for you. It only takes about 15 minutes and a can of spray paint. Et Voila! I Love People! yee-haw.

Hirsute Means Hairy and other usefull information

I was playing Cranium with friends on Saturday night. Tough to quell the killer competitive streak but I think I was at least reasonably behaved. Luckily, the girls team bested the boys team despite me royally messing up the next to last question (i.e. breaking the rules by saying a person's name).

Guess what I learned? "Hirsute" supposedly means hairy. The frustrating thing is that I have seen the word in print but could not, could not, could not remember the correct definition. I was convinced that it meant unusually quiet. So, word to the wise future Cranium players: hirsute means hairy. Got it? good.

Redecorating

I've been dying to redecorate my bedroom for some time. The walls are sage green, my carpet is cream and my furniture is mahogany--pretty much a blank pallet. The biggest decision is the new bedding. Well, (drum roll please) we finally made a decision. We got this new duvet and shams:



It makes such a big difference in the room. We're still putting everything together but hopefully we will post pictures soon. Ciao for now!

Lady Lucite Returns

I know you missed our friend Shauna Sand. Like you, I have been in desperate need of some ice pink lipstick and lucite heels. classy.

Precious Cargo

In case you can't make it out clearly in the picture, the only cargo on that flat bed trailer is a case of Miller High Life. Come on folks, it's the champagne of beer! It definitely deserves its own trailer. right on.

Matching Mullets at Home Depot

So much awesomeness in the photo, I'm not sure what to point out here. I definitely need to spend more time in the Home Depot. That's where the party's at!

Thanks for the awesome pic SDM!

Can't Ignore the Obvious

I have a confession to make. Some of you may not know that my husband and I have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby for years. For the longest time, I was really embarassed and never mentioned anything to anyone. Over the last year, I have slowly opened up to other people and have found that some of my friends have faced some infertility issues of their own.

It's just tough facing facts: something is wrong. I have been slowly getting the tests I need, always hoping that the last test or hormone supplement will be the last. Unfortunately, nothing has worked. I've found out at this point that I have a blocked Fallopian tube--so at least I have a physical reason for my problems. Did you know that some couples don't have any physical problems but still can't get pregnant? It's caled "unexplained infertility."

Well, I took a deep breath and called an infertility specialist and made an appointment for June 5. I have to admit that it's been harder than I thought to admit to myself that I have a problem that won't resolve itself. I'm nervous and a little sad but trying to keep my spirits up.

To make matters worse, I found out that because my OB/GYN prescribed me Clomid, I am disqualified for about $2000 in testing at the infertility clinic. We're going to have to pay cash for everything, and believe me, it will add up fast. Luckily we have some savings which will hopefully take care of it.

It's been pretty tough for me to write this, but I am doing it in the hopes of helping some other girl out there realize that you're not alone. I have faith that everything will work out, but if I'm ever a little sad and don't want to talk about it, you'll know the reason why.

I think it will help me to write about my trials and tribulations so I hope you'll indulge me. Thanks reader(s), you're the best!

Winder Farms is Great

A few weeks ago I blogged about signing up for home deliveries with Winder Farms. We got our first delivery this past Monday. Although they came at 1 am and woke my husband up (I slept through it thanks to 7 beers), we have been pleased with the products.

If you are a fan of milk or eggs, you must sign up. Some of you may not know that my mom's family are farmers. I spent every summer and vacation on my grandparents' farm (which was a dairy farm until I was in high school). We were totally spoiled with great fruit and vegetables from their huge garden and lots of beef and milk. This milk is so much better tasting than the milk in the grocery store. Even though it's 1% fat, it tastes more like fresh, whole milk. The eggs are bigger, rounder and have better shells than the ones in the grocery store too.

The minimum order is really low so you won't be stuck ordering a lot of stuff every week. You do have to get a cooler, but the products are really good and at decent proces. If you end up signing up, make sure you said that I referred you because I get $30 off. Get to work, people!

Are You Happy? Kite Runner will fix that.

I was out sick from work yesterday with tummy troubles. sigh. By the afternoon, I was feeling better but still tired from the festivities. I decided to keep reading my latest book, Kite Runner.

It's a very well-written book but it's seriously a parade of gut-wrenching tragedies. It's the kind of book you can't put down because you are so drawn into the story but I felt awful the whole time I was reading it.

I usually read right before bed but I have to admit that a couple of the chapters gave me nightmares so I had to resort to reading it during the day on weekends. Trust me, if you start taking hormone supplements you will have extremely vivid dreams. What can I say? I'm a wuss.

Since the story takes place in large part in Afghanistan, it's an interesting look into an area that I have only seen in the news. It is well-written and morbidly entertaining. It has extremely good reviews so you guys are free to borrow my copy if you would like to read it.

I Finished Water for Elephants

The first book for our book club is Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. The basic plot is that the narrator is a 90 year old man who has flashbacks of his time with a travelling circus in the 1930s. I have to say I enjoyed it.

I'm not always a fan of flashbacks in a book since it is often rough for the reader to get into the story and then be jerked around. Many of the flashbacks ripped you out of the story just when you felt like it was getting good--which is hella frustrating.

At the end it comes together nicely so I'll forgive all the time jumps. If you are looking for an easy summer read, I would recommend this book. It is a very fast read and easy to put down and pick up again.

I think I'm going to offer to host book club in July. My first inclination was to suggest Kite Runner, which I just started to read. I'm not very far into it, but it's gut wrenching and I want something a little more upbeat. It is very well written but I'm pretty much tramatized by the first 8 chapters.

So, I am going to suggest something a little more fun and Vegas-y: How to Make Love Like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson. She's a Vegas girl and I can definitely put together a fun book club party. Anybody else want to join the club?

I Love Beer

I have been trying to fight my white trash heritage by drinking of-so-fancy mixed drinks and learning all about wine. You know what? I keep being dragged into the tractor beam that is the tastiness of beer. Oh, sweet beer, I love you.

Why did I ever try to resist? Unlike some people, I loooove the taste of alcohol. All of the other effects are just icing on the cake. I must confess, I love me some beer. Tequila, we'll always be friends. Red wine, you've helped me out in many a social occasion. I must say that my one true love is beer. Pale ale, belgian, microwbrew, I love you! Just give me that frosty bottle.

I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest. Does anyone have a favorite beverage or snack food that they hide from the world? I need to know. I'm tipping my Blue Moon to you right now. Cheers!

Pimples Go Away!

My buddy Perez Hilton and I have two things in common:
1. Love of all things gossip-related
2. Pimples!

Seriously, is there a point in your life when you stop getting pimples? I'm in my thirties and I am in a battle to the death for my little face. I broke down and bought some Proactiv, which normally does the trick, but it just can't cope with the onslaught. I also went to Sephora and got some on the spot sulphur treatment which is more or less helpful.

I need your help, faithful reader(s). What is your go-to weapon in the pimple war? I need to figure this out. Help, please?

Face It, Your Mom Hates You

If you're like me, you constantly wonder what Beyonce is thinking when she lets her Mom dress her. It's so obvious when she wears regular designer clothes and the shi-tastic designs of her mother.

Here's the latest example from her latest movie premiere:

Down on the Farm

Today I signed up for home delivery from a farm in Utah called Winder Farms. It's pretty easy and the prices are comparable to organic produce in the regular grocery store. The best part is that they promise delivery by 8 am. Hopefully we like it because you have to pay a $25 fee if you stop the service before 24 deliveries.

The only down side is that you have to buy a cooler for your deliveries which is kind of expensive. The cost of the cooler was the lion's share of the first order.

I've heard good things about their products so I hope it works out.

Miss USA Pageant Needs Me!

So, I am faithfully watching the Miss USA Pageant like I do every year. That's right, folks. If you ever wondered who watches pageants--it's me!

When else are you required to judge and mock dumb girls?? How do people NOT love pageants? From the bad walking (sometimes a trip), dumb dumb dumb answers, hard melons and trashtastic gowns from Kohls or something--it's grrrr-eat.

The judges actually asked them political questions this year. They all choked hard core. Some of them didn't have very good poker faces so the panic showed on their faces. You haven't heard such nonsense since last year.

The bottom line is that they need me, desperately. I'm talking to you, my cross-eyed, ill-fitting gown, stomp like a cow, Miss Indiana. I can round up some gays and get there in a jiffy. (Although NJ was definitely more beat down looking) Just ask me, you need me. Trust.

Now for the big moment...your 2009 Miss USA is....

Miss North Carolina (For the record, I guessed right.)

You Let Me Down, Boob Streak is Over

Thursday had plenty of boob action, but today I just stayed home and cleaned my house. So sadly, the boob streak is a thing of the past...sigh...

We'll always have our memories.

Boobalicious

You know, even when you have a professional job, dudes are always checking out your rack. Some are more sly than others, but some are just plain creepy.

We're all familiar with the handshake/stare directly at the boobs, but there are all sorts of other rack-attention give-aways:

1. Full up and down stare while lingering in certain areas (gag)
2. Lingering glance
3. Sneak a peek while my attention is focused somewhere else
(lots of others but for sake of blog space, let's cut to my current fave)
4. Stare while making a tacky comment.

For me, most of these comments come from the homeless dudes huffing paint at the bus stop but for the past 2 days 2 of my clients have said some super duper creepy things:

(Monday) While describing a female co-worker to me, a nerdy co-worker said that she was "well endowed, just like you..." yikes

(Tues) After asking why I didn't bring back a switchblade from Italy, another Creepy McCreepster told me it would be no problem to sneak it back in my bra since "you have plenty of room in there" (with hand gestures) eeeew

Today is Wednesday, people. Which one of you is going to step up a make a comment? I'm depending on you! Creep me out if you can...

Update: During a public hearing Wed. night I was on the receiving end of "accidental" boob contact by not 1 but 2 creepies. The streak is alive! Watch out DiMaggio, I'm coming for you!

Book Club Suggestions

I am super excited. I joined a book club. The first book we are reading is Water for Elephants, which looks great. Of course, growing up in Indiana I've seen plenty of carnies up close so it might bring back some memories.

Here's my dilemma: at some point, I will have to choose a book. I was thinking about choosing The Kite Runner since it looks really interesting. If you folk out in blog land have any suggestions, I sure would appreciate them. I think all of the book club members are female, if that helps.

Thanks for your help, peoples.

Please Come Back

I have been slowly getting back into the groove of things after my awesome vacation. We ended up going to Paris, Venice, Florence, Siena, Rome, Naples, Pompeii and the Vatican. So many great places, it's difficult to pick a few highlights.

Our favorite place was Paris. I've always had a secret desire to move there which my husband now shares. It's beautiful, the food is great and the people are great. The Metro is clean, fast and goes everywhere. If I ever get the chance, I'm going.

If I had to rank the cities as to my favorites, I'd say:
1. Paris
2. Vatican
3. Rome
4. Venice
5. Pompeii
6. Florence
...
50. Naples

Naples had great pizza but that's about it. A friend of mine told me before I left that she found Naples to be dirty and scary. Check and check. It's also super-intense so if you are tired and stressed out it is the last place you want to be.

The Vatican was so great. We had great seats for our papal audience and the Pope waved at us when he went by. We have some great pictures. We went to all of the major basilicas shich were jaw-dropping, simply amazing. They are the closest places to heaven on Earth. The Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel are unreal.

I think that we loved Paris and Rome so much because they were big cities so they had great amenities. Plus, you just felt like you were a temporary citizen instead of one of a great glob of tourists. When public transportation, fantastic sites and great food is everywhere, it's pretty hard not to enjoy yourself.

We're still getting our pictures together. We have sooo many that we are editing them down to a manageable number. Once they're finished, I'll e-mail out an album or something. Let me know if you are interested. As a warning, it will probably be loooong. Maybe I'll have a picture night at my house or something. Let me know if you peeps are interested.

Glad to be back, ya'll. Thanks so much for the warm wishes. It will be a while before we go anywhere else.

Ciao People!

I'm sitting in Rome in the laundry mat. I have 3 minutes to write something witty before my Internet time runs out. Okay, no time for witty.

We've been to Paris, Venice, Florence and Siena. All magical and wonderful. We have plenty of pictures and will send out as soon as we get home. We're getting back on Saturday night. I'm sure we'll be mighty tired as we have been walking and walking and walking every day. My legs are solid as David's by now.

I love you all but I've got to go. We'll talk soon. Take care!

Shout out to my awesome sister who hooked us up with Mon. Blum, the sweetest and cutest old dude in France. He is single...sorry, bad joke.

CIAO!

Long Road Ahead

Dear Bethany,

You're not allowed to go on vacation ever again. It's just too hard on those you leave behind. We're all missing you bad right now.

Heather saw a tranny walking down the street the other day and wanted to call you to talk about the tranny's weave-braid, but, alas... she had to call me. I tried my best to mimic your wonder and excitement, but I know it wasn't the same. Poor Heather...

Erica came into town last night. She asked about you like 5 separate times, hoping she had the dates for your trip mixed up and that you would somehow be here during her 4-day visit. She's very sad she won't get to see you.

I thought about you this morning as I dipped my teabag into my water. So many happy teabag memories. ((sigh))

Braid

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

---

For Claudia.

Farewell My Concubine

Hey folks, I am getting ready for my vacation in France and Italy. I really wish someone would pack for me, though. I'm learning how to send mobile updates to my blog. So far I can get the text to work but not pictures. We'll see what we can do. Otherwise, you'll have to suck it up and deal with it, dear reader(s).

Ahh, Memories

Thanks, Natalie Dee.

Walking in Those Shoes Takes Serious Skill

I'm not that tall so I love me some heels. I pretty much wear them every day--the higher, the better. Sometimes when I'm walking it feels like someone is actually stabbing me in the ball of my foot. I just keep on walking.

Well, I must admit that I've never put on 12+ inch platform heels. I have a feeling that my ankles would immediately snap in half in protest. Your buddy Shauna Sand is wearing some serious fetish heels. I wish I had a picture of her walking. Everything about this pictures says CLASS. enjoy.

Trying to Figure It Out

Hey folks, I'm trying to figure out how to do mobile blogging. I leave for my vacation on Thursday and wanted to rub it all in instantaneously...

Alas, I'm a techno-dummy so I'm having trouble figuring it out. I'll keep going but if I don't figure it out, you can post threats and insults for 2 weeks.

Seriously, if any of you would like to be guest bloggers while I'm gone, I'll let you do it. Just let me know.

Finished My Itinerary

I think I finally finished my vacation itinerary. I've narrowed it down to 8 pages. At this point, I go back and forth between excitement to anxiety to get all the last minute errands done.

If any of you want to see the itinerary, just send me and e-mail.

Whipped Cream Sandwiches

You may think that there is no way that restaurants would make and sell whipped cream sandwiches, but you'd be dead wrong. If you are looking for a bagel sort of thing piled high with whipped cream and strawberries, head on down to Jerry's Nugget.

Jerry's is the kind of place where you can waddle in rocking a polyester outfit, wheel your oxygen tank up to the slot machine, light up a ciggie and wile away an afternoon. classy.

Here's a picture of the whipped cream delight. Don't worry, they serve them every single day...

Your Boyfriend's Got Some Sweet Moves

I work in a not-so-great downtown area. The City is trying to turn things around, but in the meantime, there is a constant parade of crazies (literally) walking by my office.

While I was at work, I looked out the window and I noticed one of our faves Ricky walking down the street yelling to himself and practicing his sweet marshall arts moves. Ricky is the character who climbed a two-story cage constructed around our back staircase to keep people like him out. He's also the dude who was arrested while punching himself in the head in the El Pollo Loco drivethrough. awesome.

I tried to snap pictures in mid-movement, but this is the best I could get. Enjoy.

Make it a Double

As you all know, I am leaving for vacation in about 2 weeks. I need to finish up some stuff at work so I decided to stay late tonight. Guess what I also did today?

1. Wore not so comfortable heels.
2. Wore not so comfortable glasses.
3. Gave a double dose of blood.

Seriously, I couldn't have done anything more to make it harder on myself. I'm so tired but wound up since I just got home and have a hearing first thing in the morning.

PS I did get my stuff done because I'm one tough cookie. boo ya.

Lazy Sunday

I know I've whined about my continual struggle to clean the house on Sunday. I get all day to do it, but I just can't quite ease myself off the couch to start. Once I get going, I get in the groove and my obsessive/compulsive overachiever self takes over and I finish it.

It's just so nice and comfy on my couch catching up on all the trashy VH1 shows I like: Tool Academy (finale coming up), For the Love of Ray J and I Love Money. You want to talk about some desperate people, geez. I want to shake some of those girls. Get a hold of yourself! These d-bags are not worth your dignity...but then again, what else would I watch on VH1? I'm totally over the countdown shoes.

Okay, let's promise that the couch patrol ends in 15 minutes! That gives me 4 hours to clean everything. ready..set..go!

Seriously, Beyonce, Put Those Nips Away

I finally sat down and watched the Oscars on my DVR last night. Hugh Jackman is so cute. I love him!

I have always been a fan of musical numbers during the Oscars so I was geeked to see them making a comeback. The biggest bummer was your buddy Beyone who obviously lip-synched through her performance even though Hugh Jackman, the kids from Mamma Mia and Zac and Vanessa from high school musical all sang live. Um, Beyonce--aren't you the only one in the group who is professional singer?

For her, the highlight of the entire performance had to be her tiny nipple slip. You'll have to really look to see it. If you want to see a bigger version of the picture, click here.

This is Your Future, Skanks

If any of you skanks out there look at my husband sideways, this is what you will get:



To quote one of my sorority sisters: "Sometimes bricks fly through windows. It happens."

Just try it, skank.

Relax: Vacations are NOT Supposed to be Stressful

I'm busy planning our fantastic vacation to France and Italy. My problem is that I am an over-planner. I want everything to go perfectly. I can feel myself slipping into nervousness because I want it to be great. My problem is that if I don't calm down I will focus on the small glitches rather than the whole experience.

Here's my new dilemma--how much do I actually need to pack? I want to pack light but not be without anything.

So far, you guys have been great with suggestions. I've plugged in restaurants and little itinerary changes to make the best of our time.

Help me focus on the good and not be so anxious that I ruin everything. Cross your fingers, people!

Hooray for Hollywood: the Oscars

I realized that my previous post was getting hella-long so I started a new one. Don't worry, it won't be any nicer.

Jennifer Aniston just presented with Jack Black. She looks the same--all-American surfer girl. yawn. The funny thing is that while she's talking, the camera switches to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (twice). poor thing. Even the Oscars camera crew won't let her escape.

[small break--gottaa go to mass--will continue soon)

Oscar Critiques: Let the Games Begin

Sorry, folks. I was out and about so I missed the first hour of arrivals. I will go back and fill in later. Here are the highlights from my mind re: Oscar arrivals.
If you want pictures, you can go here to the E site.

Taraji P. Henson--beautiful diamaond necklace and ring but why oh why did she lift up her dress to show Seacrest both her ankle tattoo and spanks? yikes.

Amy Adams and Heidi Klum are both wearing red. Amy Adams is wearing a killer beaded necklace. Heidi is wearing Roland Mouret and so it is structured but I'm not that impressed. Heidi does have some great chandelier earrings but awful, chunky bangles. Yes, I said bangles. This round does to Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera.

I say a flash of Marisa Tomei. Fortunately, she doesn't look completely tragic. Her makeup and hair are pretty. I need to see more of the gown to form an opinion.

Update: the dress has allll sorts of pleats and folds on it (Versace). not my fave. Definitely a case of the dress wearing the person. overwhelming details.

Amanda Seyfried (daughter in Big Love/Mamma Mia) is also wearing red. Her dress has a big bow at the waist. I'm normally a sucker for bows but not this one.

Mickey Rourke alert--he's wearing a tight-ass white Gaultier tux. he's so gross

Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing a big fru-fru ballerina-type huge ballgown. It's very girly and a different silhouette then what we normally see on the red carpet. Dior Couture? yep. It's a very light green. She looks great.

My favorite so far: Freida Pinto. She looks amazing in a royal blue John Galliano. Ladies, this is how you do it. Galliano is definitely my favorite gay pirate. aaargh

Ann Hathaway is wearing a glittery white column gown. She is also wearing a diamond brooch in her hair. Her makeup and hair people have done their best to make her look less-alienlike. On second glance, the bottom of the skirt is actually covered by layers of paillettes (think very large sequins). Verdict: love it!

Update: it's Armani Prive. I'm honestly surprised. Where's the Valentino??

Melissa George looks like she forgot her dress. She is wearing a corset gown that looks like a girdle with a skirt attached. not cute

Commercial break. My friend Anna is having an Oscars party featuring mini-pigs-in-a-blanket. I can't keep my mind off pigs-in-a-blanket...yummy... I got my self a bowl of ice cream with better-than-sex caramel syrup. I'm fixed now. sugar coma...

Sophia Loren is there! I love her. Her makeup is troweled on but she can do no wrong in my book. Her rack looks great. rarr!

Beyonce is wearing her usual mermaid, form-fitting dress. It has gold embroidered roses on it. hmmm Her makeup is weird though. She looks like she played up her eyebrows. eeew

Meryl Streep actually looks good. She normally wears things that make her look thick and flat-chested. She's wearing a draped gray gown and a soft updo. nice

Update: the waist of the gown is weird. It's as if the designer was trying too hard to cover her slight tummy.

Queen Latifah is wearing a mermaid dress. As a bigger girl, I always appreciate her. I want to like her, I really do, but I just don't love it.

Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are being interviewed by dumbass Seacrest. Diane's hair is softer and she's wearing vintage jewelry. I can't see her dress really well though. As soon as I do, I'll give you my opinion--my pretties.

Update: gooorgeous absolutely gorgeous detail on a black mermaid gown. love her

Jessica Biel is on the phone. She must be yelling at the blind dude who did her hair. Disheveled is nice, hot mess is not. It doesn't get better with the dress. She has a great body but she's wearing a too-short, unflattering ivory dress with black velvet pumps. Seriously not cute.

Evan Rachel Wood still has her red hair. She looks great. She should definitely keep her stylist since she has looked like a million bucks this awards season.

Marion Cotillard is wearing a sequined gown with a full tulle skirt. She always goes for it. I definitely like this dress better than last yeat's boob scales.

We're halfway done my peeps. Overall, I notice that ladies are wearing red or pale, muted colors inspired by the 2009 spring collections. Verdict to this point: Freida Pinto is my favorite and Jessica Biel looks like shit.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt arrived. Angelina is wearing a black, sweetheart neck gown. It's fitted, guys! She's also wearing emerald drop earrings. beautiful

Update: they totally snubbed Seacrest. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA love that

Penelope Cruz is wearing an a-ma-zing diamond necklace. whew. She is wearing a really interesting, brocade and chiffon big fluffy gown. This is how you do details on the dress without it overwhelming you (ahem, Marisa Tomei).

Update: 1940s Balmain. There's nothing like vintage done right.

Oh, Kate Winslet, what the hell are you wearing? asymmetric strap making her boobs look like they are different heights, sheer fabric on the back and hips...boo! hiss!

Tilda Swinton, my friend, you are a mess. tranny-fied mess. hate it, abhor it, gross.

Alicia Keys is wearing a pink draped number. I like it except for the weird piece of chiffon coming out of her nipple. don't get that.

Okay, let's switch over to ABC. They have Tim Gunn!! I LOVE him.

Oh no, it's Kate Winslet again. Love her, hate the dress. It's Yves St. Laurent too. I should have guessed with the satin. I like her last black YSL gown much better. Some of you out there might like it, but you're wrong.

Oh no, Miley Cyrus is a bedazzled mess. I'll cut her a little slack because she's a teenage from Appalachia where more is more. Not good for a tranny, then not good for you sweetcheeks. It looks like it's made of weirdly shaped flower petals. Just say NOOOOOOO to Cinderella on acid.

Zac Efron is wearing slightly less makeup than his date Vanessa Hudgens. I'm not sure I like her dress either.

Viola Davis looks great. She's wearing a gold Marilyn Monroe-like pleated gown. She's wearing incredible diamond bracelets. love it.

Sidebar: love me some Tim Gunn. Here's what he said to Marisa Tomei: "Mickey Rourke has said that he loves to see you with your clothes off. Well, I for one love to see you with your clothes on." Oh Tim, that's because Mickey is creepy and desperate and you are super-gay. Love you, please be my best friend!

The show is starting so our time is coming to a close. I will add updates if I see anyone richly deserving of some remarks. Let's do this next year!

Goddess of the evening:





Trash bucket who should have stayed home:

Jessica Biel! If it tells you anything, I cannot for the life of me find a picture that I can post... Look what happens when you look like crap.

Honorable Skank-mention:



Update: Tina Fey is on stage right now and she looks abso-freakin-lutely fantabulous. At first, I didn't recognize her. She is not wearing black!

Oscar Dress Countdown

I am seriously looking forward to the red carpet tonight. I may have to leave at the end of the pre-show (bummer) but everything will be recorded. I think this year I am going to try to blog my comments live. So, if any of you would like to participate by leaving comments, together we can criticize live! AWESOME.

See you in a few hours. Go sharpen your claws.

Seeking Vacation Suggestions

My hubby and I are going on a fabulous tour of France and Italy in about a month. If any of you skanks have any suggestions on restaurants or not-to-miss sights in Paris, Venice, Florence or Rome--let me know. Thanks, y'all.

Starting to Love the Dead Presidents

One of the reasons I luv my job is that we get all the government holidays off. Guess what tomorrow is ladies and germs? No, not Flag Day. It's President's Day!

I'm planning on doing just what Mr. Lincoln would want me to do: get a mani/pedi. Oh yeah, Viva la Revolution!

Lost in Translation

Umm...well..I hope you people don't get the wrong idea, ya pervs.



Viva Las Vegas! The home of the best Mow & Blow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I wish you all retarculous amounts of love and happiness this Valentine's Day!

Love you guys!

Prettier Than Us

As you know, I am a fan of...well...let's say..trashy TV. In my hunt for the most mindnumbing, cotton candy entertainment of the week, I flip through the channels quite a bit. Guess what I found, people? A new TV obsession: RuPaul's Drag Race. Oh yeah, THAT RuPaul.

It follows a competition between 9 fabulous drag queens to be the next superstar drag queen. Let me tell you, honey, some of those ladies are very pretty. They are clearly professionals. They have baby soft skin, great bodies and have some fierce makeup skills. fierce

Maybe they should have a show where nerdy girls are madeup by drag queens and lip synch RuPaul songs. Girl, you better work!

Gun Show

So I made my triumphant return to the the gym after almost dying and what-not the past week or so. I still can't reliably breathe through my nose so I decided not to become a human concertina on a cardio machine. weez. cough. weez.

I lifted weights to try to get some strength back. Overall, I feel good about it. For those of you Vegas people, I went to the new Molasky 24 Hour Fitness and really liked it. They just extended their hours until 11 pm Mon-Sat. I think I'm going to make it my new gym since it's conveniently on my way home from work.

Score One for the Nerdy Girls

Do you remember Lisa Loeb's reality show #1 Single where she was looking for a nice Jewish boy to marry? As a little nerdball myself, I always hoped she would find a decent guy. Episode after episode we were disappointed...sigh.

It took a few years, but our wishes have come true. Lisa got married to Roey Hershkovitz--the music supervisor from the Conan O'Brien show. If you want to read more about it, click here. Maybe he'll Stay. har har har

Madonna + Jesus Sitting in a Tree

Is anyone else slightly disturbed that Madonna is seeing a Brazilian guy named Jesus? Um, okay.

Then, I found a picture of him...



A-ha! I got it. Play on.

What? No Flowers? Being Almost Dead Sucks

You may have noticed that there has been a lapses in my posts. I've been clinging to life with some sort of avian bird flu/Piven mercury poisoning for the past week. I even stayed home from work on Thursday and was almost silent for the whole weekend. As you know, it takes a whole lot of germies to get me to that state!

I was shocked to find out that as I lay in bed hacking up phelgm alongside my sickie husband, that one does not get presents when you are almost-dead. Shouldn't we send flowers for the almost-dead? Let's shake on it. Next time, you better come through, people. If not...okay, nothing will happen, but I like flowers, okay?

So if you are wondering what helped me make my miraculous recovery, I will show you my secret to health and happiness:



Seriously, what is there not to like about Devastatin' Dave, Turntable Slave? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Perfect in every way.

If you start feeling sick, just click your heels and repeat: ZIP ZAP RAP!

Return of Lady Hector

I used to go to the gym more regularly but I've been missing for a variety of reasons. Do you remember all the infamous stories about one of the other regulars at the gym who was always dressed like a tranny clown? I certainly have fond memories.

Well, I am happy to report that my friend and roving gym reporter Cladeedah snapped a few pictures of the hotness known as Lady Hector. You should be able to pick her out for her pink bandanna and black tights. She's pretty conservatively dressed, but you can tell by her can-do spirit that it's the real Lady Hector.

Sooooo Tired

Okay, which of you fed me some sleepy time pills when I wasn't looking? I have so much to do and plan for our upcoming Europe vacation. My problem is that I have no energy. The problem is that I have been sleepy for a few days now.

Holy Beyonce Nipples, Inaugural Fashion Goes Awry

Like many of you, I have been looking forward today for some time. Sweet regime change at last! With such a dashing new couple in the White House and the support of so many celebrities, I was looking forward to all the great fashion.

Retarculous nation, we were let down. I am begging some gay dudes to fly to Washington straighten this mess out.

Imagine, you literally have your pick of any designer on the planet to make custom outfits for you. You can pick absolutely anything, so you go with:

1. A dress and matching coat made out of your Grandma's old couch. I appreciate the attempt to use a cheerful color, but it is not flattering for such a pretty lady:







2. A busted wedding gown with sparkly-scrunchy flowers. sigh.

As the New York Times described it: "For Tuesday night’s round of balls, she chose a fluffy, many-layered gown by a 26-year-old designer named Jason Wu. The dress had a one-shoulder strap and was flecked with organza flowers and crystals."

When have the adjectives "fluffy" "many-layered" "flecked with organza flowers and crystals" ever been used to describe a beautiful dress? Um, never.







Here's what kills me. She has worn some great outfits to other inaugural events, like these gems:





Unfortunately, inauguration fever is spreading. Beyonce was elected to sing "At Last" as the first dance song with a completely see-through top. Oh yeah, the headlights were on. I couldn't find a picture, but here's a video. See also picture #14 in this slideshow.





By the way, did anyone tell the Neighborhood Ball organizers that Etta James is still alive? Why couldn't she sing her own damn song? You probably could have convinced her to do it in a see-through top too. hot.

Hopefully this situation will resolve itself. By that, I mean Michelle Obama, not Beyonce. She's hopeless. retarculous.